Time to get back on the horse...

Preparing for an international adoption is gruelling. There is much talk of all the paperwork, but what it really means, your life has to be in a certain place of stability before you can succeed in completing your paperwork. Perhaps it's the same for everyone, but the 1st adoption is so all-consuming, that inevitably you get behind, really really behind, on what seems unimportant - like paperwork. Having spent the past 6 months getting things more or less up to date, I feel I can proceed with my paperwork. Interestingly, the new agency I am working with in Nevada requires that all the paperwork be completed before you will be assigned a social worker. Previously, you started on the paperwork and the social worker visits at the same time, so that motivated you to keep going on the paperwork part even more.

When I think it's silly to keep up this blog, however erratically I have time to post any news, I know it is worth it since I have been messaged many times by potential adopters who seek more information, insight and encouragement. It gives me great pleasure to be a tiny source of help to people in the process. No matter how discouraging the news is, like with CARA shutting down its program again so that it is not accepting any more applications, those of us who are determined know that it is even more important to keep adopting. CARA is putting up more hurdles. Orphanages claim to have less kids available  - for the process. But anyone who really knows the life of 90-something percent of Indians living in dire poverty, we know the kids are there. And they need us.

International adoptions from India into the US are declining. If things continue as they are, numbers will shrink even more. Here is what the US Government numbers look like:

Adoptions from India to U.S. by year

2011	226
2010	241
2009	297
2008	308
2007	411
2006	319
2005	323
2004	406
2003	473
2002	461
2001	542
2000	500
1999	472

It's a shame.

Single Motherhood...

Being a Single Parent Is Many Things. But It Is Not Failure."

Slate readers on the upsides of single parenthood.

By Allison Benedikt|Posted Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2013, at 9:00 AM ET

When couples celebrate their 10^th anniversary, they might buy important jewelry and give it to each other to wear. Sometimes they surprise each other and hide the jewels under napkins or in soup bowls. That's because a decade is a long time, a long time to share towels and make compromises and most often raise kids. In marital circles, it is an accomplishment. In unmarital circles, OK, in my unmarital circle, a decade of parenting—alone, without the relationship part—is not an accomplishment. It is a Sisyphean feat. It is like jogging to Uzbekistan. Or deciphering the human genome. I am going to buy a ruby and bake it into a cake and forget that I did it and give it to myself. Surprise! Happy anniversary!

These are the words of Pamela Kripke, who last week wrote an essay for Slate about her experience as a single mother. Under the headline, "It's Better To Be Raised By a Single Mom," Kripke detailed the feats and failures of single motherhood and, most importantly to her, the grit she is sure she has passed on to her two daughters—"the beauty that emerges from the strain, the impediments, even the sometimes terrifying knowledge that their parents might fail them."

We asked readers to write in with their own experiences, either of being a single mother or of being raised by one, and most also proudly identified this somewhat intangible characteristic of grit in their kids, a pride both for their kids and for a parenting job well done. From single mother Sarah Wilson:

I've been a single mom for over two years. It wasn't by choice. I was married and trying very hard to make my family work. My ex-husband walked out two weeks before Christmas while I was in the middle of law school exams, leaving me with a child who had just turned 2, a mortgage on a house that was underwater, and no idea how I was going to make it. Of course my daughter is going to be tougher and more resilient as a result, but not because I've short-changed her, or sent her to daycare, or told her there wasn't money to play soccer this year. Plenty of kids face those kind of "challenges" and much more. My daughter is going to have grit because she's seen it modeled by me her whole life. Mommy got out of bed, finished school, kept the house, paid the bills, and handled herself with grace in the face of obstacles.

Another single mom, Nancy Mure, echoes this sentiment—that there is a great benefit to what she is modeling for her children:

I am a flawed human most days, always apologizing for being scrambled or forgetting this or that, but my kids don't see me as perfect, and I prefer it that way. Where our previous life was seen by most as kept in a neat and tidy box as a "together family," it isn't now—and we've all learned to function in that. We are the privileged ones. We are the ones who have the coping mechanisms needed to get through life.

From those who wrote in, it's clear that single mothers appreciate this grit in their children, but do children appreciate having had to acquire it? Annie McDonald, who was raised by a single mother from the age of 2, says yes:

My mother, sister, and I would spend family evenings at the kitchen table licking green stamps to fill out the $5 booklets from the local pharmacy. We turned those booklets in not for prizes (as some do), but for cash so that we could buy groceries. 

My mother fixed the plumbing and the wiring when she could. She installed linoleum, ceramic tile, and wall paneling. She framed out a wall in the basement to create that second bedroom. She learned how to make stained glass windows and took on small commissions.

She raised us with a firm hand and was a strict disciplinarian. Granted, she had her faults and was by no means a saint. But she raised us with a capacity for learning and curiosity that was unparalleled among my childhood peer group. And from our experiences, my sister and I have developed incredibly strong coping devices that have gotten us through hard times of our own.

What about having no male role model in the house? For Wilson, the absence of a husband will, she hopes, actually serve to help her daughter find a good mate later in life. "I hope she'll learn from our teamwork that she deserves a true partner in her future life. If I had stayed married to my ex-husband, I might have inadvertently taught her that women work, cook, clean, and raise the kids while men do what they want."

Mure goes further, expressing a certain freedom that she feels exists in a household without "the man voice":

Minus the man voice, the lines of communication here are wide open. There is no intimidation, no judgment, no apprehension. If someone's feeling something—it's put out there. We discuss it. We find the humor in it. These conversations usually occur at dinner, the meal we eat together every night. The meal cooked by me and appreciated by the kids. The meal eaten on the table my son sets and my daughter cleans up and the meal over which conversation flows. 

Dave Steel, who grew up without a dad around, doesn't see it quite the same way. "Like other fatherless boys," he writes, "my life was defined by my dad's absence. In fact, never knowing my father shaped me as much, or more, as did being raised by mom alone." Like the others, Steel goes on to write about the resourcefulness he gained out of necessity:

While other kids my age were given cars when they turned 16, or drove around in spare family cars, I developed and executed a game plan to acquire a car and driver's license entirely on my own. I took the city bus to a grocery store, got a job bagging groceries, opened a bank account, enrolled in a driver's ed school across the street from the grocery store where I worked, got my license, and bought a junker for $400. Doing all of this took a year, and the car ended up lasting four months.

But he also writes beautifully about how difficult it is for a young man to grow up without a male model in the house—"becoming a man when you've grown up without one in your life is like building an airplane while flying it"—just as single father Robert Danberg writes beautifully about figuring out how to be a good dad to his kids. "I am a father unlike the father I had," he writes, "simply because a man whose children were born in 1965 understood the blessings and obligations differently than a man whose children were born in the '90s and '00s. You could say that, as a father, I've tried to be what I've understood was a good mother."

While most of us tend to view the family structure options as (a) two-parent family, (b) single mom-led family, or (c) single dad-led family, Pia Volk wrote in to remind us that there is a "(d)":

My 8-year-old son and I live in a shared flat with three other adults, a journalist and two doctors. We are like a family, just that we haven chosen each other because we like each other rather than because we are connected by bloodline. My flatmates teach my son skills that I don't have: One plays chess with him, the other piano, the next one soccer. By law, I am a single mother. By life, my son is a tribal project of the modern kind.

From the sons and daughters of single moms to the single mothers and fathers themselves, one thread that carried through all of the reader responses was a thoughtfulness about what parents pass on to their children—this idea that single parents aren't just scraping by and parenting from a haggard haze, but rather that they are molding their parenting philosophies to the circumstances of their lives. Take Theresa Verhaalen:

While many of my daughter's schoolmates have parents who disallow their children from setting foot to pavement on the way to school, I don't have time for that. While it may be frowned upon, I look at it as granting her a path to self-confidence in a world of paranoia. This way, she learns to use common sense.

I doubt I'll forget the day when she walked six blocks to a friend's house. The mom called me while I was at my desk, alarmed. "Were you aware that she was out there alone?" I calmly answered that I was happy she did this on her own, but she hadn't notified me before (which was the truth, the sly bugger). I had to listen to a litany about danger/responsibility/strangers and on and on. When the convo was over, I later patted my daughter on the back for her intuitiveness, told her not to walk to that friend's house again, and let it be.

It's not about throwing caution to the wind as much as it is about using common sense safety. I want my daughter to know how to handle emergencies, to have the freedom to trust her instincts. I am training her to be an adult after all. Where two-parent households may view it as unfortunate that she walks to and from school, that she doesn't have the amenities that go along with having a larger financial budget, I shrug it off.

Being a single parent is many things. But it is not failure. Not in my house.

doors slamming shut on international adoption...

This week, I am shocked to see a hot international adoption topic is that Russia is almost officially shutting down adoption to US families. The obvious victims are the hundreds and thousands of orphans in Russia - their chances of being adopted into a decent family is slim. Many Eastern European children who are given up suffer from a mild or debilitating form of fetal alcohol syndrome. Many adoptive parents struggle through it, but it's hard. Some fail. Russian adoptive parents also fail. But Russia still recalls the horrible American mother who returned her adopted child on a plane, unaccompanied. Rightly so, that has outraged Russians. It is sickening that any mother would do that.

The latest article
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/22/world/europe/russian-parliament-gives-final-approval-to-us-adoption-ban.html?ref=europe

Increasingly, international adoption is becoming harder and harder. The Hague Convention is supposed to improve things. But in reality, it has just provided more red tape. Legitimate prospective adopters jump through all the hoops. Sex trade and child traffickers bury themselves further and further underground. Yes, some orphanages have been caught stealing babies to put them up for adoption. But there is no good answer to explain why countries have thousands, hundreds of thousands of orphans, in need of good homes, and yet barely hundreds or a few thousand seem to be adopted internationally these days. Countries suddenly shut down all adoptions, or change the rules to make it harder and harder (like India), and the children fester.

Countries appear to feel embarassed their kids need adopting. But it is just a fact. It seems to have become part of politics again. It's very sad. The citizens of one country do not have the right to adopt an orphan child from any other country. But when that country doesn't have enough people willing to take on those kids, why not let them be adopted internationally? No good reason exists.

The path to Tara looms long, challenging and uncertain. I pray she is safe and cherished wherever she is.

On the move again!

We are in the midst of buying a house here in Tahoe. So we should be moving this month. Hoping to be all moved in before the month's end so we can start 2013 in our new home. This is the last major hurdle to overcome before progressing on with the adoption process. There have been lots of good and bad reports of how things are moving in India. I browse some other blogs, and people are bringing their kids home. From all over India. So things are still moving. The bad news is that CARA has already announced they are going to shut down taking any new applications in January 2013. If they have been accepting 100 applications a month this year, they should have somewhere in the region of a 1000 applications they need to catch up on. Alot of orpahanages are still apparently saying they have no kids. So it looks like we will be in for a long long wait. That's just the way it is. Sofi is thriving and doing well. Out of the blue she will ask if we can go to India so she can get her sister. But luckily 3 year olds have a relatively short attention span and this mean it's easily handled. Sofi is excited to be moving into the new house and can already recognize it when we drive down that street. We are optimistic to complete the process in the Spring and hope to take a trip to India before it gets too hot there.

Checking in...

It has been quite some time since I have been able to work on this process. There are many things that have to be in place to proceed. I have been working on those, so indirectly working on the process, but I have not been feeling as though much progress has been made since I got all the criminal clearances done. I am still optimistic that the paperwork can be completed before the end of the year. But it might also be early 2013. Along the way, I hear about others bringing their children home. It is amazing to me how many friends will refer me to their friends, or friends of friends. Everyone looking to get some advice on how I did it. It is a pleasure to help anyone, as it means one additional child gets to leave an orphanage and belong in a family. The process has become even more painfully slow. A friend in Delhi, it took her 6 months just to get the Indian passport. But then they were lucky and got the British passport while still in India which was great, as they were adamant with Sofi we couldn't ever get one! They even refused her a visa to enter the country, saying we had not been able to demonstrate that she would not try to settle there. But also hearing about people who have been assigned to agencies in India, still no referral. It's a random process alot of the time.

Sofi is doing great. She is enjoying her 2 new preschools. Monday Wednesday Friday mornings she in one and has been getting to know those kids. And the other Tuesday Thursday school is a longer day, with hiking picnic lunches, and she enjoys that too. We have started a carpool Tuesdays and Thursdays and it's another fun adventure for her to have. And her skis are all ready and we have lined up a ski instructor for her. Ski resorts should be open December 15th so another new step. I hope she enjoys it. It snowed half a foot last week and turned cold really suddenly, but the glorious sunshine is back and it all melted. Halloween festivities started last week. Neighbours have Booed her and given her candy and we are trying to limit daily intake. It looks like she might end up eating more candy in these 2 weeks than she eats in many months.

OK back to collating paperwork. It's different from last time. The previous home study started with social worker visits at the same time as collecting all the requisite submissions. This agency requires all the papers to be in, then the social worker will review, and only then will she come to visit us in our house. We are hoping to move in the next month or two so maybe that's for the best so that we can be moved in to our permanent home. If you move during the adoption, that's a big no no. Part of the submission is a floorplan of your home, so there can be an evualuation of whether it's sufficient for the new child. Makes sense.

This weekend we are heading the the Bay Area to visit friends. I also had left my snow tires there and need to collect them. There is a bay area ichild 10 year anniversary party - so it will be great to see some of the other people who have or are adopting children from India.

With Sofi in my life, I can honestly say, all is good. It will just be even better to have Tara with us. God bless her, wherever she may be.

Half the Sky

Some friends gave me a heads up to watch the PBS documentary Half the Sky. It focuses on the oppression of women. One focus is India. Seeing this, it is a horrid reminder of the challenges for women of all classes, but especially the lowest castes. I was able to avoid much of this cultural predetermination in being born to a Sikh family. I have never accepted the caste system as it appears to be so oppressive unless you happen to be able to claim to be a Brahmin. Seeing this, it spurs me on even more to my long standing goal of adoption. I know Tara will come to us, it is frustrating to think it will take a very long time, maybe years. There is so little value given to girls in most Indian families, yet it is near impossible to adopt one of the unwanted girls. But we will. Each day I see Sofi grow tall, and chatty, and I am left in wonder at the amazing little person she is. It breaks my heart to think her family could not keep her. It is their loss.

Manmohan Singh...

An article about the ineffectiveness of the Indian P M Manmohan Singh. A good man. To be credited with much of India's presence on the world economic stage, is severely criticized. When he can do so little about the big things, it is unlikely he will tackle the sad state of adoption of the unfortunate orphans. But one must persist. Tara is out there somewhere.

Why the next female in our family will be named Tara...

As stated by His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

There is a true feminist movement in Buddhism that relates to the goddess Tārā. Following her cultivation of bodhicitta, the bodhisattva's motivation, she looked upon the situation of those striving towards full awakening and she felt that there were too few people who attained Buddhahood as women. So she vowed, "I have developed bodhicitta as a woman. For all my lifetimes along the path I vow to be born as a woman, and in my final lifetime when I attain Buddhahood, then, too, I will be a woman."

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tara_%28Buddhism%29

We can know and love well the children who are ours to love. Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Summer has been hectic. And good. Sofi had the final swim class today at the beach. 8 weeks of swim class 4 weekday mornings a week. Coming so close after the Olympics it makes me think how dedicated those athletes and families must be. How much they have put in even to be at the Games. Even if they go unnoticed and don't come into the limelight with a medal. I am exhausted just from toddler swim class.

Taking a brief moment to stop and observe my life. I sat down and read just the introduction to 'Everyday Blessings - The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.' Hence the caption above. It is important for all of us parents to remember that if we are intent on wanting a certain kind of child in order to feel tremendous love for them, then we will be disappointed. Instead, we can know and love well the children who are ours to love. Enjoy the child we have. Support them. Nourish them. Try to do no harm. And be in close touch with who we are as a person, and as a parent, in order to help us in our job as a parent and in being the best human being we can be.

Next week, Sofi starts the 1st of her 2 new preschools. She will be attending Incline Village Nursery School here in town for a couple of hours Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. We have had a chance to meet several parents already and Sofi has seen some of the children she will be in school with. I am looking forward to it. And so is Sofi. There has been one boy she has been complaining about in her old school and she is very happy he is not going to her new school. We have been reading a book about a Sikh boy named Harman (like her London cousin) who is nervous about attending a new school. Sofi is not nervous at all. She is as cheerful as ever. Ready for the next chapter of her life of adventure.

She is also very comfortable now with the idea that she will get a little sister from India. It comes up several times a week now and each time Sofi asks "she come today?" I think she is ready.

Reviewing some of the ichild posts, it does appear that the new referral and adoption system adopted in India by CARA is much slower than before. Some bay area families have been waiting for a referral for a year. That's a shame. But we will persevere. CARA promises to match parents with a RIPA (orphanage) within about 2 weeks. That seems to be happening, but the referral of a child is not then happening quickly. Time will tell if the orphanages will stop putting the kids in through this system, or maybe they will have the kids go out secretly through the back door to avoid it. Many suspect that is already happening in larger and larger numbers. We can't do anything about that. Just have to wait for Tara, the child who will be ours to love. Wherever she is. We are waiting. And hoping.

stack of papers on my desk...

Every day, I face a mountain of papers on our never-used as a dining table desk. It's amazing how much paperwork is involved in trying to live a simple life. Applications for preschools, tax things, bills and then the adoption work. Each day I try to fill in some of the adoption paperwork as that is the most important. But you still have to pay bills, and attend to everything that is life. It feels like managing the paper in life in and of itself is a full time preoccupation. People ask me what I do. I am not sure. I prepare the most nutritious meals I can. I clean the house. I do some work. I deal with the paperwork. And I spend time with Sofi darling. The day is full. It feels like I can never get through enough. I am in awe of those single mums who go out and work a full job out of the office. It's great. And it's relentless. To bed. Tomorrow will be another good day. And I have to complete the application to Journeys of the Heart so they can liaise with our Home Study agency Premier Adoption so that we can be declared fit to go in search of Tara. Sofi can't say it very well, but she is looking forward to a sister. She says she will be called "Nala". Simba's pal from the Lion King, one of the stories that she likes. But Sofi doesn't like the uncle scar "cos he not nice".

Rough day!

I was listening to NPR and they talked about how international adoptions into the US were 23,000 just 8 years ago. And now, in the hopes of creating transparency, last year it was only 10,000. Somewhere in the region of 13,000 less children adopted internationally each year. Sad. Even if you admit that child trafficking and abuse cannot be guaranteed in our countries, something we must admit, even if it was 99% fine, then more than 12,000 kids a year are losing out. Who says these 13,000 kids a year are fine. Institutionalization at its very best, is ok. It is nothing compared to being loved and cherished in even a mediocre family. I get sad if I think about it, so I try not to. But it's reality. For this reason, I have plans to start 2 non-profits. 1st, to assist Indian origin families in the US to adopt from India. It's getting harder, smaller agencies are shutting down, but we must still try. Even if it takes longer. 2d, to help orphanages in India get the license that would allow their children to have a chance to be on the international adoption list. I support India wanting their kids to 1st stay in India if possible. But there are too many kids. Domestic Indians rarely will take those older, darker, special needs kids. We will and do regularly.

Then I watched 'Iron Lady' about Margaret Thatcher. I was a child in the Thatcher era in London. The film took me to a less than happy trip down memory lane. IRA bombings. Economic difficulties. Strikes. Electicity shortages. Oil price spikes and long lines for petrol. Skinheads and race riots. It was a difficult time. That was a backdrop to my childhood as an immigrant going to a privileged posh school, where I felt like the Beverly Hillbillies character for all my lack of British good breeding and etiquette. We were working class. I worked with my family. It was hard for my parents to find the money to pay the fees. Thatcher had to do what all women did have to do and still have to do... work twice as hard and overcome all the prejudices against women and not getting adequate respect. If a man is tough, he is admired. If a woman is tough, she is frequently labelled a bitch. It's not the past. It still happens. Women can't have it all. If they don't have a family, then have had to give something up. If they have a family, they still have to dedicate less time, or else a slew of nannies raise their children which is not ideal no matter how wonderful the nanny.

And then I keep hearing stories about the ex Army shooter who killed people from my community this weekend. It is a reminder that some people will always find us different in a way that is not acceptable. I have a landlord who simply refuses to respond to simple maintenance issues. I am accused of misuing the toilet if it clogs and they will refuse to attend. When it is 90 degrees in our living room and the only fan doesn't work, she says, I don't think the owner will agree to fix or replace it. Even when I ask the electrician how much it would cost and he sayd $60!!! Right in front of her. And still she says no! It is has become obvious that racism is the only rational explanation for the blatant unlawful actions of Coldwell Banker. If I try to insist that things be done, they say you can leave, rather than fix it. Growing up Indian in 1970's London, we were abused "Pakis go home." We were not Pakistani. Just as now we are not Muslim. But what if we were? It's the ignorance of the racist not to care and probably not to even know there is a difference. And none of us should be targeted. As I watched Iron Lady, as I see stories about the Sikhs killed at the gurdwara in Wisconsin, and as I deal with racism today with Coldwell Banker, I am frustrated. And angry. Do I sit quietly and learn to forgive these mean ignorant people.

What do I teach my kids. We are different. We are coloured. We are nice people. When will Sofi and Tara first get hurt and wonder if their skin colour had something to do with it. What do I say? What if it's true? Racism exists, but it's not safe to be openly racist anymore. So it has gone underground. While most people are more cosmopolitan and educated with mass communication at our fingertips, it drives the bigot and racists underground. More sly. Harder to notice. Scarier. And I don't know how to answer all the upsetting questions in my head.

Heritage

The shooting spree at the Sikh gurdwara in Wisconsin yesterday is saddening. Ignorance and prejudice are never helpful. In India, Sikh men with their proud turbans are admired. The Indian Army reveres them for their hard work and bravery. In the West, however, Sikhs are often singled out because they look so different. The men in my family wear turbans. I grew up in Sikh family. I did not cut my hair, consistent with our religious requirement, but I did not stand out as girls having long hair is a thing of beauty. We went to gurdwara. We learned some Sikh prayers. We naughtily avoided Punjabi lessons - although most of us now regret that aspect. I am not an active Sikh in any outward way. My hair is now short. I rarely go to gurdwara. But it is a part of how I came to be who I came to be. The Sikh culture taught me that all religions are good, that they have you be thankful to God and lead an honest life. It taught me we are all equal. No one is higher or lower, and that is why we all wear the same steel bracelet and sit together to eat the langar (meal) in the gurdwara. Sikhs are generally hard working honest people who enjoy life fully. We like to eat well. We love to dance bhangra and giddha. We want to be around family.

Being Sikh is also part of my being Punjabi and being Indian. It is my culture and background. My English friends tended to understand this a little. Most of them grew up eating Indian food and knowing Indians, just like my friends knew me and got to know the inside stories. Mostly, my Americans don't get it as there are so many fewer Indians in the US compared to the densely populated bounds of London. When an event happens connected to being Indian, Punjabi or Sikh, I feel a stronger link to my ancestry, different from going about day to day life. I want Sofi to understand her heritage. She is part of it too. Hopefully, we will be making a trip to India in the Spring of 2013.

Reading about the shootings today, I again came across a short film about female foeticide.
http://www.sikhnet.com/filmfestival/2006/beti/

As an adoptive mother of a fantastic daughter, who was abandoned in the state of Punjab - my ancestral home - it breaks my heart any time I see or think about the cultural predispositions for many Indians, and even higher proportions of Punjabis to devalue girls and consider them a burden. Sadly, even as a privileged London-born Punjabi, I have seen this very same bias against me and other girls even in my own "modern" family. Simply dues to us being girls. To speak out against it is to bring more trouble. I have seen that first hand and it is unfair. It is not right. But it is real. It is the reality of the economic structure within which Indians live, that they see girls as a bad investment with no returns. They feel that the girl has to be housed and fed, possibly educated, and then a huge dowry has to be accumulated in order for someone to begrudgingly take her off your hands in marriage. Boys stay in the family and bring a dowry-rich bride in to the mix. People who abort and kill girls are not to be judged. No one living a privilege Western or Indian life can truly understand the difficulties they face. After living in India for over a year to adopt Sofi, I saw and heard many things that opened my eyes to what I already suspected. Life is hard. Life as a poor person in India is extremely hard. The life of women is the hardest, and can even be considered an atrocity for all too many. It is not all saints and yogis as many westerners think. It is not all 5 star hotels, clubs and restaurants, and designer clothes-shopping and big elaborate weddings which is what most NRIs (non resident Indians) experience on their vacations to India. It is not for Oprah to look down on us patronizingly and incredulous that we eat with our hands.

Being Punjabi can sometime seem to be at odds with being Sikh. Girls are meant to be equal. Culture often means they are not. I see this more within the uneducated classes. But even very rich educated Indians can have lingering prejudices. The families where they overcome these backward stereotypes are wonderful. We need more families like that. And as more and more Indians are openly adopting abandoned or neglected children, there is hope that the ripple effects will be pervasive and positive. One girl at a time. There can be change. I cannot do much. But adopting Sofi, and now looking for Tara, is the minute contribution I can make. The gift Sofi has already given to me is considerably greater than my wish to make the world a better place for everyone, but especially for Indian girls.

agencies to get Tara

The process for adoption is really hard. I have had lots and lots of friends of friends be in touch with me thinking there is a shortcut. There is not one. The rules are getting harder. And things will probably take just as long or longer than before. And as non resident Indians or foreigners, it is getting more likely that you will need to be happy to adopt an older child and possibly one with special needs. We leave it to God to send us Tara in whatever form is appropriate.

For the Home Study agency, there are only 2 choices in Nevada. A Home Study is an approval that you are fit to adopt. It is a license, not a privilege to adopt. Often people think it's easy or a breeze, but it is the hardest way to become a parent. We are using Premier Adoption agency. I have started the process by writing a big fat check. And filling out forms. Step 1 is getting fingerprints and child abuse clearances from every place that you have lived since the age of 18. The older you get, the harder it is to remember every single address. Let's hope I have recollected enough for the checks to come out clear again. You would think it would be easier 2d time around. But I cannot find the forms I filled out last time in 2009 so it's like starting over on gathering the data.

For our placement agency (the one that works to match you with a child and deal with the process in India and getting your child home), I am using Journeys of the Heart. They appear to be the agency with the most historic and current experience with India. Many agencies have recently shut down their India programme. My previous agency, MAPS, no longer works with India. The system is different now. Before, your agency or you could find a child and then seek Indian central goverment (CARA) approval. Now, fears of corruption have led CARA to try to assign children available to parents applying. There have been many delays in India. Many times, India has just shut down their new applications. Supposedly, to overhaul the system. Then to clear the backlog. And now, they are accepting only 100 new appications, on the 1st of the month. Apparently, within minutes they fill up, and if your agency did not manage to get you registered, you are out of luck and have to wait another month. I have heard that many orphanages are reporting less available children. Why? Where are they going? I hate to think about what is happening in such cases. I will have the choice to state a preference for an orphanage. It is hard to say what I will do as there are so few children on the lists. But I am optimistic that I will again be matched with a Punjabi child so that I can maintain our cultural experiences.

Next, I have to work on the remainder of the Home Study application packet. Lots of medical, financial, and other information, as well as references from people who can vouch for me. I am hoping it will be done by the end of August or early September.

Then I will be needing to have at least 4 meetings with the social worker. One at home so they can see how we live. The rest to provide a deep and thorough insight into me, Sofi's life and the life we offer to Tara.

It's overwhelming how much is required to be done. Just have to plod on and get it done. Then wait. Wait. Wait. And pray for our file to be registered with CARA quickly. Then wait. And wait some more. There is no way to be sure how long it will take to find Tara. She must be at least 10 months younger than Sofi. So she would have to be born on June 1, 2010 or later. She is quite possibly already 2 years old. Somewhere. Now knowing what is ahead of her. We can only pray that she is in a place that is kind and warm-hearted so she knows love.

passport & SSN

I have been soo sick of the process involved in adoption, that once we got back to the US, I could not bear the thought of anything further until absolutely necessary.

When we needed to make a trip to London, it was finally time to get a passport. Having experienced many hurdles in India for even the smallest thing, I was dreading it. However, I have to say that if you get an emergency application to file for a passport (you must have proof you are travelling within 14 days) and go to San Francisco, it can be a pleasant surprise. We had a 1 p.m. appointment in March so that we would have time to arrive all the way from Tahoe which is just more than 200 miles. As usual, I was prepared with anything and everything they might want. They were really nice and very helpful. Amazingly, we had the passport in our hand by around 4 p.m. Delighted.

Yesterday, another good day. I suddenly realized that in order to claim Sofi as a dependent on my tax returns, she had to have a SSN. There had seemed to be no need for one before that. Given that we live up in the mountains, and there are no federal agencies up here, it's a 35 minute drive down the mountain to Reno. I got lucky. I had all the papers I could think they might need, always trying to avoid delays and obstacles. The lady just a couple numbers before me, had had to wait 1 & 1/2 hours, but I was done in just half an hour. The friendly gentleman behind the counter likes accents. And was eager to make sure everything was just right and gave us the extra attention we needed. We are told it will be issued in just 5-7 business days.

People living in the US don't always realize just how lucky they are that the process works alot of the time. It doesn't even pretend to work in alot of other places.

Other adoption blogs...

At a time like this, it can be very hard to think about how long the process to adopt can take. In search of others, I have found some blogs where other families are documenting their process. The rules are changing so much, so it's helpful to see the other families' experiences of process and delays. Some encouraging. Some a little scary. There is so much uncertainty in the India side of things. Delays tend to be really long for even the simplest matters. I start remembering the previous experience with Sofi. It was frustrating and sad to see the snail-like progress. This time, I should be more prepared. But it's hard to be prepared for the fact that you know your new daughter is out there, and you just want to be with her immediately. Sofi is excited. She is saying that she will share all her toys with Tara and they will play together all the time. She understands that she is going to get a little sister from India. And so far, she is looking forward to it. Being an only child can be hard. And she sees some of her friends have siblings. So I think she is looking forward to having someone at home. And given that she is quite bossy, probably really excited that she will have to tell Tara how things work. A little mama already.

Another Indian adoption

I will endeavour to write about the specifics of the next process in as much detail as I can, especially since the rules are changing and it is getting ever harder to adopt from India.

Several documentaries have been made touching on subjects like this and I will try to put links to them for anyone interested.

Most likely coming out this year (2012) will be Petals in the Dust about the missing girls of India:
http://www.petalsinthedust.com/index.html

After a very long break, I am back. Sofi has been back in the US for a little over a year. She is doing fabulosuly. She remains a cheerful, charismatic, gregarious little girl. Her personality is blossoming and she is amazing. I am lucky to have been united with her.

And now, we are about to start the process for Sofi to have a little sister. I will be starting the tedious but important process to be approved again. This time, in Nevada. We moved up to Lake Tahoe so that Sofi can enjoy an outdoor life in the glory of nature's wonder. She is at the beach every day and learning to swim. She is a little fish and loves it. Very enthusiastic and learning really well.

San Francisco welcome home!

It has been a little over a month since we arrived back in SF and it is nice to be home.

We had a gruelling flight back from Delhi, with 2 days of showing up at the airport, getting on the plane the 1st day, only to be kicked off due to mechanical problems, and the 2d day sitting at the airport the 2d day in a confined security area with no food or water for hours on end, only to be sent away again. IT was a nice time of fellow stranded traveller bonding and Sofi made some friends. The upside was that we did get put up in a 5* hotel, The Grand, and that was extravagant. After 3 & 1/2 days of travelling, and a cold few hours laying over in Newark between connecting flights, we made it home to SF.  Tia Susana welcomed us at the airport with the all-important new car seat. Relief!

A few days of jetlag and running around and then we moved into our new home in the Presidio park. Gorgeous house and amazing views of the Golden Gate bridge, living above Crissy Field in a national park. That weekend nannaji and naaniji arrived from London. Sofi was delighted. And we had a fun birthday party on June 4th at Menlo Park's UMe playspace with friends.

Sofi and I have been a little sick, with all the travelling and climate changes and changing weather here, but it's great to be home where things make sense and I feel like I know how to get around. Sofi is making friends and enjoying that she can play outside almost every day. Rainy days, we have a membership at Peekadoodle indoor playspace in Ghiradhelli Square. It feels like there are soo many babies and children around the City, so it's been lots of making new friends, exploring the parks and having playdates.

Sofi has started attending Parkside Preschool daytimes and is working up towards full time 5 days a week. She also goes to a summer preschool class Friday mornings at Peekadoodle. We are finding story times at the library, music classes, movement classes and playgroups for her to develop her creative side.

It's all good. Slowly but surely we are settling in.

We are also in the process of starting the post-placement visits with our social worker, waiting for her certificate of citizenship and hoping to finish the process once and for all.
 

London ban - SF here we come! Yippee!!!

After getting our hopes up about being able to arrive in London and see all my family and friends there, even setting playdates and dinner dates, we have had to change plans. Despite my having Home Office website printouts confirming that Sofi is automatically entitled to British citizenship as a result of our having legitimately completed a Hague adoption, the British High Commission staff, who appear to believe they are the law and therfore have no need to comply with the law, have refused to accept what it is. The law says she is a British citizen. They disagree. They refuse, despite several email requests, to provide any legal authority on which they rely. We had opted then for the visit visa, and were told it would be done in a week, after a week, I finally forced my way to the visa people only to be told they are not satisfied we are just going for a visit and they do not have sufficient proof that we are not going to settle there. My having 2 homes there, a company and property there, a flat I have to pay rent for, and all the other accessories of living there aside, they are completely mad! So we were told we would be required to come for a visa interview. But the earliest date would be the 19th. No guarantee of success. In fact, a suspicion they are looking for a reason to find a reason to reject it. What a country!? It reminds me why I choose to live in the US. If I hadn't grown up there and have family and friends there, I think it would be the least attractive place to live. Crappy weather. Overpriced. Overpopulated. Cripple transport routes. And a segment of people who still thinks Britannia rules the waves and everywhere else. These petty little bureacrats, who flash around diplomatic status, are nothing but trumped up little pests. Nonetheless, we are entitled to Sofi's passport and citizensip. A battle for another day.

All flights to London cancelled, all plans changed and now we are leaving to SF on Friday the 20th of May, 2011. We fly 15 hours direct to Newark, NY and have to clear immigration. 4 hour layover and off again 6 hours flying time. Continential airlines this time. Sofi in her own little seat. Mummy hopes Sofi will sleep 1/2 or 2/3 of the flight time. Let's see.

Am madly arranging lots of things for when we get there. We have a house to live in the Presidio which should be great. Lots of other things to sort out. But it's a great feeling that the next chapter of our life is starting. Sad to leave the friends we have made here. Sanaa, Arshia, Zahara, Agastya, Lia, Nanki, Raunak, are the Delhi gang. Good fun times Sofi has had with them all. Memories in the book, and many more to make over the years we hope.

Departure countdown is on!

I have mixed feelings about leaving India now that the departure is
imminent. In 9 days, we leave. We have applied for a family visit visa
to the UK and have been told it will be issued this upcoming week.
Accordingly we have booked flights to London on the 16th. We will stay
there 12 days and then board a flight with my parents in tow to arrive
in San Francisco.

A few days after we arrive in the US, Sofi turns 2 on June 1, 2011.
We are planning her birthday party for June 4. This will be a nice
time for Sofi to meet some of her new friends in the bay area.

Ironically - or perhaps not - now that the departure is imminent, we
have been making lots of friends or getting into a better groove with
the people we had already met before. It is probably a combination of
the length of time we have been here, but also that the paperwork
aspect is much less, and we are more often in Delhi rather than on the
go for court cases or family visits.

We are starting to pack up our Delhi home and put things in order.
Deciding what we can squeeze into a mere 2 suitcases is riddled with
decisions of what do we really have to take. At many levels, I am not
bothered about what we pack or take, as the joy is that Sofi and are
together and embarking on the next part of our journey together. I am
looking forward to being able to get in MY car and go where I want,
where I want, and actually know where I want to go. Sofi is blissfully
unaware of all the imminent huge changes. My Punjabi speaking baby
will be going full on to English very soon.

Self portrait of the happy couple outside the US Embassy. Free to go!!!

FREE AT LAST!!! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!!!

Amazingly, we are done!!! No amount of exclamation marks can truly demonstrate the relief and happiness at the process being done. For now. Post adoption checks will take 6 months once we get back home. Not a big deal really.

After a lot more grovelling and running around every day to the passport office, we finally got Sofi's passport. It took 10 days. Issued April 18, 2011. Creepy crawly Krishin Kumar caved in after alot of pleading, sucking up, name dropping, actually showing up daily, until I think he realized that I don't take no for an answer. I have climbed up and down the passport office stairs many many many times, being sent to one person or another.  I think the Regional Passport Officer got sick of seeing me too.  And the fact they could not fault our paperwork.  Yet, we are the lucky ones.  Many people fared much worse than us. Even the day the passport was issued, I showed up at the designated time of 4:30. Hovering around the counter, asking again and again if they could check my receipt number, only to be told it had not come down yet.  At right around 6:30, someone came to collect the remainin stragglers who were waiting, we followed him upstairs after he took from us the only receipt/proof we had that we had even filed an application... And upstairs, we were told there was only 1 more passport for that day. A miracle - it was Sofi's!  I practically kissed the bearer of fantastic news. I felt really bad for the others pleading their cases, only to be fobbed off.

Thinking ahead, we already had an appointment at the US Embassy for Wednesday April 20th. I turned up with all my papers, and little Miss Sofi, who by now is quite the little Miss!  We went to American Citizen Services and, luckily, as usual, we got the red carpet treatment. It never ceases to amaze me how nice everyone is when they know we are there for an adoption case. It's all, don't wait in line, just go to the front, type of thing. They are soooo nice. Unlike everyone and every system in India and the UK who are simply horrid and obstreperous. We were asked when it suited us for our visa interview.  Since we still had a housefull of lovely guests who were pampering and spoiling Sofi, I felt it best we wait until they had all gone. So we were given out preference of Monday, April 25th at 9 a.m. But with the caveat that they told us if that was not convenient, just come at 10 or whenever the baby was happy to come, go straight to window 25, and do not wait in line. What lovely people! So considerate and caring. A relief from the rest of the experiences we have had. We showed up Monday morning, whisked to the front of the line, and presented our papers. All agreed to be in order. Gave an oath the papers are accurate. Told to come back in the afternoon at 2:30. Did that. Miracle of miracle, le viola! all done! Sofi's Indian passport is duly given the US visa.  We are free to go.

We are not going yet though. Sofi is in playschool and enjoys it.  She has the full and undivided attention of me and her ayah Pratima. So we are ok until school is out May 13. Then we will head off. It is getting super hot. But Sofi has made friends. I am making friends, at long last, and things are ok. We will do some medical checkups on ourselves and start planning our move back to the US after me being gone so long.

We also met the President of Sofi's orphanage yesterday, Tuesday April 26th. He spent alot of time with us. Charmed by Sofi as everyone is! He was kind enough to comment that his father (former Prime Minister of India I K Gujral who is sadly not in the best of health) always made a point to visit my paternal grandfather, known to us all as Bupuji, because he had a very high regard for Bupuji.

I also duly registered my wish to adopt a 2d daughter from Jalandhar and was received very well! So, after all the papers are in order, we should be back in 2012 for #2! My lovely 2d daughter is out there somewhere already but not ready to come to me. All in good time.

Sofi is parrotting more and more words. She is increasingly cheeky and cute and the biggest love of my life. I thank God and my lucky stars she came to me. I am very lucky.

Passport time and hopefully visa soon

Apparently, for a long time in India, it was not considered a right to
have a passport. Now there are more than 1.2 billion people who are
eligible. Not surprisingly, the passport offices simply cannot deal
with the volume of applications. Plus, given terrorism and many other
concerns, there is a fear of wrongly issuing passports. The process is
quite complex. I was told the average passport is between 1 and 2
months to issue. Emergency/Tatkaal passports supposedly in a week or
less.

Getting all the paperwork in place to be able to submit a tatkaal
application is no mean feat. We had to fill out many affidavits, have
them notarized. We had to submit obvious proofs of adoption and
residency. But probably the most bizarre was that we had to have a
senior government officer vouch for her moral character and
reputation. I can see that being required of an adult, but of a 1 year
old?! Well, we finally managed to get it done after a lot of pleading
phone calls to many friends.

A few more sick days and a trip to Chandigarh delayed the process
quite a bit too. So although we got the birth certificate on February
21st, it was not until April 7th that I actually successfully
submitted the tatkaal passport application. Going into the passport
office is quite hard. You have to wait in a long line first at the
back of the building, to get a token, that is your number in the line
for the day. We had someone there by around 6:30 or 7, so when I got
there at 9, luckily I was #4. Then, you take that token and stand in
another line at the front of the building to gain entry. Then it is a
mad rush to go to the tatkaal counter and you have all the ususal
suspects with #200 or some other high number fighting you off and
trying to push to the front of the line as the bureaucrats drink tea
behind closed doors. When the civil servants meander to their
counters, they do not look friendly or helpful. Each of the first 3
tatkaal people were sent away and their applications rejected for one
reason or other. I got nervous.

When we go to the tatkaal coutner, the lady rejected the application
totally saying that adoption cases cannot come on tatkaal. Oddly,
although not written anywhere in the detailed instructions on how to
apply for a passport, this same refrraind was given at the next
counter, the tatkaal superintendant. Instead of just accepting this,
we debated. I asked for the basis of this and some Ministry of
External Affairs memo from 2008 was flashed briefly for me to see.
Getting more concerned at this point. Not taking no for an answer.
Send upstairs to Room 5. Excited. Until I reached the long line of hot
and bothered people and the rude guards protecting the high level
officials behind the curtain. Eventually get to see the Assistant
Regional Passport Officer. Told the same thing. Starting to feel like
a charater in Little Britain, "Policy says NO!" Not taking no. Sent
to the PRO upstairs. Wait around. His assistant checks my papers and
agrees everything is there. Finally PRO arrives, He seems to be
satisfied. Sends me back to Room 5. Short but high ranking man says,
no, PRO has not written his approval to accept the application on
tatkaal basis. Go back to PRO. He says he can't write it and tells me
to go back to Room 5. At this point, feeling like a ball in a tennis
match, I ask if we can move forward instead of back and forth. He
concedes and sends me to the Wizard - the Regional Passport Officer
himseld. Push thru the guards with great difficulty, wait around and
meet him. Nice person, but he too says policy says no.

Explain the process and the reality of what this is - a child trying
to start her life properly. Luckily I noticed his family portrait on
his desk, and relating my problem to him in real terms achieved a
warmer response. "Wait outside, I will see what we can do." Waiting.
And waiting. Various people in and out of his office. Eventually, I am
told, go back to the tatkaal superintendent, we will accept the
application, and see what we can do.

Skipping down the stairs I go back to irritable Gansham and explain my
note saying that my application must be accepted. I have never been
happy to pay fees (Rs2100) as it was the gateway to the receipt - the
all important document to start your process. With a receipt, their
legal obligations to process begins to roll.

Monday the 11th I come back and am told by chirpy Mr Gansham that it
is scheduled to be complete that very same day and should be sent out
soon. I am in joyous disbelief. But I have heard such promises many
times this past year or two. I am cautiously optimistic.

TOday, Wednesday 13th, I come to check, is it really done? Turns out
as yesterday and tomorrow are a holiday, and Wednesday is the day of
the week the higher-ups don't meet the public, this was not a good day
to show up. Rejected several times at the gate and not allowed in.
Finally sent to the back of the building to the enquiry line.
Helpfully told by someone in line you can SMS your inquiry and find
out the status. They SMS back almost immediately, that subject to all
documents being ok, it would be complete on 11th. Had I succeeded? An
hour in line in the scorching morning sun, to be told at the counter,
there is an objection. Come back Friday and talk to a PRO.

Dejected. What now? By this point Sofi has been picked up from
playschool and is sitting asleep in the hot car out front. I mull it
over. Let's not give up. I find our helpful tout friend. He is nice,
but busy with something.

The friendly police officer who had sent me to inquiry was hanging
around. One last plea. I explain to him this is an adoption case and
how long I have been here, point at the sleeping baby and he agrees he
will help me enter the building to find out from Gansham what the
issue it. THen his supervisor yells at him for standing idle and sends
him off in the opposite direction. Wait. He eventually returns and I
pounce. He takes me to the gates, amidst shouting and shoving irate
public not being allowed it, and gets me in. It's like magic. He
smiles as I pass. Just like that. I am in. Persistence and politeness
and appealing to people's humanity got me in.

Once in, Gansham explains that I need to speak to the PRO and sends me
to someone new. I go there. He listens. I am to wait. Eventually
someone else calls my case. I go over the papers and he is nice. He
explains I have 1 more proof of address needed. I can get that within
an hour or so from the bank. And most wonderfully, he takes me with
him to see the Regional Passport Officer and he agrees that my case is
accepted on tatkaal and it should be completed at once.

Off to the bank. Back. Wait. And wait. Mr helpful is at the Minstry.
But once back, he says, that's good enough. Come on Friday the 15th
between 4:30 and 6 and pick up your passport. The next 48 hours will
be tense but I am hopeful.

After this, the last step is to go to the US Embassy and get the visa.
We will be off.

Of course, the British High Commission, consistent with their totally
anti-adoption stance throughout, says they will not recognize the
adoption. Sofi cannot get a passport. Is not recognized as my child!
And can't even get a visa - unless we lie! With shit weather, an
outrageous cost of living, and extortionate tax rules, is it any
wonder soo many people leave the country if they can?!

Fish out of water

Throughout this process, living in India, I have felt like a fish out of water. Sitting with non-Indian expats today, it reminds me of just how much of a culture shock it is to come and live in India. There are soo many wonderful things here. But the shock to the system is massive and often debilitating. Although of Indian origin, I am totally foreign to all people here and I feel very frustrated very often. I am Indian in some ways, but I suppose that being an NRI, being born and raised throughout in the west, has shaped me and made me who I am today. So I am more familiar and comfortable with the western systems and culture. I miss being in a country where I speak the language properly, I miss having friends calling just to say "hi", I miss being in a place where I can get around without feeling lost. I have so much admiration now for people that just up and move to India without even being Indian; they are really brave and adventurous. I am really really ready to go home. It's coming close and funnily enough, the closer I get to going, the more I am climbing the walls to go. I want Sofi to be surrounded by people who know me from before and she can feel that love and warmth. It is hard work having only new friends around.

As we are getting on with Sofi's Indian passport, we are now being told by the British High Commission that she might be prohibited from entering the UK. Apparently, as I used my US citizenship to adopt Sofi, the British government will condescend to acknowledge Sofi as my legal daughter, probably for taxes and anything negative, but they will not confer British citizenship on her automatically. I will have to research this, but it is my understanding that an adopted child must be regognized just like a biological child. Rude awkening to find out the British government has an exception for adopted children to deprive them of what is their legal right in all civilized countries. Yet another obstacle to overcome. The US government and process has just been so wonderful about adoption and embraces it at every turn, that it is a disappointing shock to see that once again the British rules are anti-adoption. They are already one of the most difficult countries for adoption, whether domestic or international, and this is yet another way they are against people trying to build their families by adoption.

the process goes on... and on... but we are moving forward!

So after we officially became mother and daughter, one thinks that's the end of the process, right? Think again! We still do not have the requisite permission to travel out of the country. Step 1, birth certificate. The ashram say it will take at least a month. I think I can't wait that long. I am ready to leave! So, we take it into our own hands. We stopped into the the ashram on the 16th, 2 days after the Adoption Deed was issued. Not surprisingly, although they were supposed to have started working on the BC already. We go into the office, to be told, oh, there is some new procedure. When asked, what is it, we are told, it's hard to say. When we ask, how are you going to overcome it, they respond, let's see. I have heard them lamely say "let's see" over and over and over and over in the past 9 months, and that usually means, we don't plan to do anything, let it fall from the sky like a miracle, because we don't give a shit about the speed of your process, this is just a job for us and we are not bothered about you and your child wanting to get on with living life, because we are happily rolling along in our own lives. I have always been suspicious that the lack of bribe was a factor, but who knows. The apathy I see is pretty common with them in all cases. But then I have not known of anyone who has bribed them. It appears basically that they are so full of themselves thinking that because they are dealing with all orphans, they have this attitude that they are doing God's work. They forget that they are generally pretty apathetic and not bothered and therefore hindering the process from moving. Case after case, I see they go slow. Because they have soo many cases in process, and they are quite laid back, things don't move very quickly.

So, we (me and the driver Sukha) started to ask what is the problem with Sofi's BC. What is the process. 1st it's apparently the SDM (sub divisional magistrate). THen the Civil Hospital where all births are recorded. THen the Municipal Corporation where the actualy BC is written. I can see how one might take a month with so many different departments involved in a little BC. We ask the ashram if we can take over. The person in charge, the new retired Colonel, had simply said, oh well, I went in this morning, so I don't plan to go in again today, despite our asking desperately for his help to get this BC started ASAP rahter than waiting around.  He continued talking as if we never spoke, saying the next few days are a holiday, so nothing will start now until Monday - 5 days ahead! His BS and self-serving self-praising monologues are quite tedious. He is soo self righteous. I have seen the reality of his accomplishments in our case fall far short of his own delusions about himself. Basically, he is a pompous ass! But we smile as if he is wonderful. As long as you sit and listen and let him talk and talk about how wonderful a job he is doing and how these ingrate orphans are lucky to have him, he is happy. I feel sorry for the kids he has been put in charge. But it seems no worse than before he was appointed. And no better. Overall, the ashram is taking adequate care of the kids, and they are much much luckier than most children in orphanages, or even alot of kids who have parents. So it is up to them to make the most of their life.

Luckily, their laziness or apathy makes them happy to take the credit for us to do all their work. So they give us the application and letter and say we can go back to the SDM and try to make the BC. Now that Sofi is legally mine, I have the right to take over her process, whereas before I had to sit by and be satisfied just asking and asking how things were going and if there was anything I could do, only to be told, "don't worry, it will be done."

So we start with the SDM's P.A. He explains that the 1st step actually is to go to the Tassildar (like a district supervisor I think). He agrees to call the Tassildar and ask it to be done quickly. We run to the Tassildar, knowing it is a short week, and he is really nice and helpful. He goes thru the papers immediately, and the only catch is that the ashram's affidavit has to be verified in person by the affiant. So we run back to the ashram and drag the Colonel along to get him to verify in person. Also, they decide they need to see the original Adoption Deed, and by chance I had got it off the lawyer the day before and so I was able to pull it out of my purse like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, and things were moving nicely. After signing, then it turned out we needed the official ashram stamp on the papers, so we ran back to the ashram with the Colonel, and had another staff memeber accompany us back with the stamp, and we completed the Tassildar recommendation and approval. Whew! All in a day's work.

We take the file back up to the SDM's P.A. and he assures us that even tho the next day is a half day, it will be ready for us to pick up his approval before 1 p.m.  We show up at 10 the next morning, and are pleasantly surprised that it is all ready!!! Both the SDM and the Tassildar approvals have been obtained in less than 24 hours, even tho it was Eid and some other random holiday. We are soo pleased with ourselves, we decide to rush to the Civil Hospital as it is barely 10:30 and it is still a half day of work.

At the Civil Hospital, it is again an exercise of running from one counter to another counter to another counter, being desperate, asking everyone for their help in getting this done ASAP, and pleasantly being received well everywhere, and everyone being helpful and courteous, as we zoom zoom all over the place like a couple of chickens without heads. Heads turn as people wonder what is all the rushing is about. But the upshot is that we get all the process of the Civil Hospital almost complete by the time they close for lunch. What we achieved in an hour, usually takes at least a week, or many weeks. The exception is if a baby is born in a hospital and properly recorded, and then things are relatively straightforward.  We ended up with all the papers ready, just needing the bigshot Dr's signature and since he had already left for a wedding, it was not possible to do anymore until Monday.

So I decide nothing more to do but take a few days of rest. Amidst all this success in our process, and wonderful Sofi time, I have been almost constantly ill since New Years Eve. 2 months now. I had gastritis and was violently ill from NYE until the 2d week of Jan. Lost weight and looked better, but quite tiring.  Was ok for a bit and then 1st week of Feb had a weird infection that erupted in an absess in my nose that was excruciating. Managed to subdue the swelling in time to look fine for the wedding, but oddly, the day after the wedding weekend, on Valentine's Day, I woke up with yet another pain by my bellybutton. 2 & 1/2 weeks later, 2 rounds of antibiotics, and finally resorting to heavy painkillers, it has not healed. So it is time to see another Dr today, a dermatologist in the hopes of figuring out what all this is about.

After the weekend of taking easy and seeing some friends in Chandigarh, it was back to Jalandhar on the 21st and we ran around at Civil Hospital and got the big Dr signature. On to the Municipal Corporation. We had run into someone from the MC at the hospital before the holiday weekend, and he also said if we went to see him, he would help us get it done.  So after some herculean effort on the MOnday, by just 2 p.m. we had Sofi's birth certificate. We celebrated with a dhaba lunch! In 3 work days, we had made the birth certificate. The ashram staff were astonished. Monday the 21st was the day they planned to start the approximately month long procecss, and here we were with it all done and dusted. They were a little suitablly embarassed that it was done so quickly, but they are too obstinate to be bothered really. One thing less they had to do, and they can take the credit for a job all done.

Next step passport. We had been told we could start the passport application at the same time as the BC, but when we went to the passpost office in Feb 16th it was closed for Eid. THat is why we decided to focus on the BC as the passport office would not be reopening til the 21st. After further consideration, and given that I was really unwell with the infection, we decided to head back to Delhi after being away from home for 2 weeks and on the 22d we drove back and were glad to be "home". ON the 23d Sofi went back to school and her teacher said she was remembering everything and having fun. Her playschool is fun. I let the infection subside and asked around about how best we could get the passport quickly, as the usual process takes about 6 weeks, which is quite long. In the end I have submitted the passport application online and have an appointment to take in all the papers on March 8 at 12:45 so let's hope things go smooth and we are able to file the fees for the "tatkal" (emergency) application and it will be done in about 2 weeks. Que sera, sera!

Dr updates

We have been to see a new paeditrician in Delhi just to check in and see how Sofi is progressing.  He was recommended to us by the American Embassy nurse. We came up with some interesting new information about Sofi's birth weight. He has said that since she was 3 kg at 6 & 1/2 months, he estimates she would have been approximately 1.7 kg only at birth! Pretty small. He has tracked her height and weight growth in the past year and said I had done an amazing job of taking her from being soo under on all points, to putting her into the 50th percentile for height and weight. She is now at age exactly 21 months a whopping 12.1 kgs. I am happy she is healthy. He is a little concerned about her head diameter as it is a little small still, but we can demonstrate growth of 2 cms in the last 8 months, so it is not totally an issue. We will have to monitor it and ensure that she is growing. Initially, June 2010 the Dr in Jalanadhar had assessed her as having symmetrical growth delay. Now with her head lagging 10% behing her height and weight, it is slighty assymetric. Also, she is having some slight fungus and wax buildup in her ears that may be the reason she has been cranky and moody this past week - or it might just be that she seems to be teething with her molars. SO it's ear drops and we will clean out those ears. And also she seems to have hay fever or allergies as her nose is runny, so we have to use nasal drops and sprays and suction out the nasal passage every day for the next couple months, to prevent any backflow and chest congestion. She had some shots too, for chicken pox and the final vaccination she needed and she is still all up to date on her shots. We have taken some bloodwork also just to see how her hemaglobin looks, as the Dr was a little concerned, but said it's pretty common for Indian children to have really low levels. We had been giving Sofi SFe iron supplements twice a day for 6 months last year, so I am hopeful her levels will not be worrying anymore. But we will check on everything next week when we go back to see the Dr. Still have to collect and deliver a stool sample! Sofi is now 82.5 cms tall. 50th percentile. So all in all, for a child who was clearly suffering from "failure to thrive" according to the Dr, he said I had done an amazing job of getting her to thrive so well so quickly. I know it is Sofi who thrives from her own inner strength. She is a fighter and that's how she found me.

--
Jackie

It's a wonderful life...

Time flies. Another 6 weeks since any update from me. GOOD NEWS! This Valentines Day, I was given the best gift of my life... Sofi and I officially finally legally became mother and daughter!!! It's a big relief to know that she is now mine. We had been to Jalandhar many times, it was exhausting, going on the train on Thursday the 20th for our 21st appearance, only to be told by the judge no news and no decision could be made. Luckily though he gave us a quick next date for Tuesday the 25th (the day before Republic Day). SO we went back to Delhi by train Friday evening, only to have to go back on the Monday for the next appearance.  We drove down and Sofi did not sleep for even a minute, so it felt like a really really long 8 hours. Needless to say, almost immediately after checking into the Radission she passed out. We wernt to court and were told - yes, you guessed it - he was still not ready to make a decision. I had anticipated this, and since the following day was a national holiday, i assumed we would not get another hearing until Thursday - which is exactly what happened. The lawyer was impressed that we had figured out a little of the rhythm of the Indian courts. On Thursday the 27th, the judge promised us he would give the Adoption Order that afternoon. We wanted it to be done in front of us, but no such luck. I pressed for a speedy writing up the Order, as another typical delay is it taking forever for the judge's clerk and stenographers to write up an Order. After chasing it daily, the Adoption Order was declared and issued on that day, the 27th, but it took another 2 weeks to get a copy of it written up.

Not shockingly, yet another issue arose. I was informed by the lawyer the judge would be approving the order only with me putting up a surety bond. I was told a Jalandhar property of a 3d person had to be put up. This was an impossible requirement. We thought about whether we could put up another property in India. And then after some thought, I told the lawyer that I refused to give another surety. Apparently there is some old supreme court case saying a bond should be given. I believe this applied to cases proceeding under the GAWA (Guardians and Wards Act) where the adoption is not complete when the child leaves India. It makes sense a surety should be required to encourage people to make sure they complete the adoption in their home country. Apparently there have been cases of people taking children, essentially as slaves, and subjecting them to a life of nelgect and abuse in varied ways. We all agree these abuses must be abolsihed but is there really anyway to guarantee it gets completely eliminated? I am not sure. The process gets harder and harder, but even the dedicated sincere parents-to-be get scared off, so there are more children left to fester in orphanages where they experience a different type of abuse and neglect and deprivation. So it is hard, either way. I reminded my lawyer that I had paid alot of money to my US agency and they had already given a bond on my behalf in case of any problems and that surely had to satisfy any bond requirement. I stood firm on this point. At my insistence the lawyer made an application to the court to finalize the order without any further monetary surety. I went alone to Jalandhar on Feb 10th and luckily the judge accepted my status as an officer of the court, as a lawyer, and accepted a personal bond from me. Another hurdle cleared.

We took a much needed weekend off and attended Anahat Pirzada and Gursimran Sibia's wedding in Chandigarh. We stayed in the Taj. Yummy overeating at the breakfast buffet every day! In a year of what has seemed interminable process, this was a brilliant time to let it all hang out. Great food, music and everything. The best sangeet ever, with Arif Lohar playing 4 hours at least of rocking Punjabi music, and I danced my little heart out for the first time in ages. Sofi slept soundly at the hotel. She came out for a few functions, like the Mehndi as it was a daytime affair, and she behaved really well. Took a nap after some time. And danced a little too.  Sofi also came to the Anand Karaj at the farm and had some good running around and then a deep sleep nap amidst the lush greenery.

After all the wedding festivities, we set off on Valentines Day to Jalandhar. We had an appointment to meet the lawyer and to go to the Registrar to obtain the Adoption Deed. The last pieace. We did it!!! And the lawyer put out a little happy story in the papers the next day to let people know of some of the good things that happen. It appeared in the Kesari and perhaps another paper in Hindi. Have saved a copy for Sofi.

Other than that, we have been going to school and Sofi just loves it. She is singing some of the songs and tunes at home. And after 2 weeks of not being in school, this week she remembered so much and had a great time. It is nice to be back in Delhi, our home away from home. We had a school picnic at the Rail Museum on Feb 25th and that was fun, having a picnic and riding the toy train. Sofi pretty much has all her main teeth now, but seems to be teething her molars and has fevers and some unhappy hours from time to time, but generally a happy, bubbly, loving, wonderful child. I am very lucky to have her!

Time is flying by...

Once again I find that weeks have passed by in a blur.

Sofi has started playschool at Julia Gabriel in Saket at the DLF Place mall. She is enjoying it thoroughly. Her favourite bits are music time, and activity time which usually includes some kind of painting. Snack time is also nice and she is learning to eat by herself sitting properly and starting to drink juice for the first time as she never liked it before. The other kids range in age from about 18 months to 30 months. Sofi is currently almost 20 months. It's a mummy and me class so I am enjoying it too. Lots of singing and dancing. Play time is fun too as she is learning to play with new and different toys. Story time and the magic box not so much able to keep her attention. Overall she is really enjoying it and when we get her ready in the morning and ask her if she wants to go to school, she is excited and happy.

We were set to go to Court on Jan 12th, and I sat at the airport that morning for hours and then all flights to Amritsar were cancelled! The judge used this excuse to postpone but luckily gave us a quick date of Jan 21st. He promised he would issue the Order on the 21st. Sofi and I took the train to Jalandhar with Pratima on the 20th, staying at the Radisson, and went to Court. But, again, the judge did not issue the Order. He gave us another date for the 25th. So we hauled back to Delhi on the 21st by train, rested a little over the weekend, and then as we were unable to get train tickets at such short notice, we drove back to Jalandhar all day on the 24th. However, again, no Order from the judge.

We stayed in Jalandhar over India's 62d Repubilic Day, and invited 9 of the older girls to lunch with us at the Radisson - mainly the ones who don't have a chance to get adopted. Then we went to Amritsar to the Golden Temple for Sofi's 1st visit. We prayed for a speedy resolution of her case, so we can go back home.

Back to Court on the 27th. I am confident that the judge was moved by seeing Sofi again in Court. It could not just remain yet another case from Nari Niketan. He had seemed insensitive to the need for urgency and priority for these cases before. But seeing the child whose life is in limbo because his caseload is too heavy does bring out his human compassion. He promised he would issue the Order that afternoon.

On the morning of the 28th we learned that he verbally gave the Order, but... weirdly, he demands that a Jalandhar property valued at least 8 lakhs ($??) be put up as a surety. We cannot do this. We are now again looking for a solution. It may be that we can satisfy the judge with a monetary surety bond. It is not mandatory that judges demand a surety, but it is not uncommon for courts scattered all over the country to ask for it. Apparently there is a Supreme Court case on this issue. I will now wait for the Order to be written up (the judge promised me it would be ready by Monday/Tuesday) and then we will see what we can do to overcome the latest obstacle to completing Sofi's adoption.

2011 update...

It's hard to believe another couple of weeks has passed and we are already into 2011. I have now been here 9 & 1.2 months.
Sofi is flourishing and has more energy than the energeizer bunny so she is keeping us busy and amused.  Her daily wake-up time is around 6 a.m. and she is usually in bed by 7 or 8.  And takes a nap for anywhere from 1-3 hours in the day. 
We got back to Delhi and despite severe weather problems my mum got off to London without any delays. And we had a few days here with several girls of all ages who are from Nari Niketan which was fun and boisterous. Tanya and Pooja came to Delhi for a week for their Xmas break and we got to spend loads of quality time with them and do lots of fun teen girl and kid stuff, as well as eat lots of yummy foods they don't normally get. It is really really cold and the homes are not well equipped for it so it's lots of layers all the time trying to stay warm.
Sadly I just had a really awful gastric infection which lasted a week and has really drained me and meant that Sofi has been cooped up inside a fair amount. But a boost of medicine and fluids at the hospital and I am on the road to reocvery. And we are starting to get out and about again. We went to Sanaa and Aarshia's birthday party today and after her nap Sofi played with some of the kids in the building and then we went to the Imperial hotel for a meal and she behaved quite well.
Exciting development is that Sofi starts play school at Julia Gabriel on Monday. 3 days a week, 2 hours a day. Mummies play with the kids and it's supposed to be loads of fun.
The 1st to court dates were uneventful. So far we are just submitting evidence and the judge hasn't had to decide anything. I go back this Wednesday, Jan 12th for the 3d hearing. This is the 1st date where the judge could actually issue the adoption order. I hope for it, but do not expect it to be issued the 1st time. So no idea when this thing will be completed, but we are making baby steps all the time.
--
Jackie

Get Out of Jail Free card...

So, since Sofi's release from the ashram on November 2d we have been pretty busy. Some Sofi stomping on the laptop has led us to radio silence, but for now, we are back in communicado.  A week of not being well and then some fun in Chandigarh for Diwali was followed by a trip to Bombay to see Jay.  It was surprisingly hot and humid so we didn't do alot of getting out and about but it was a nice visit. Then it was back to Delhi to receive my Mum fron London who is currently here visiting for a month. She last saw Sofi on July 13th so she has enjoyed seeing the changes and how Sofi is running around, babbling and communicating in her own special way, and admiring her bubbly personality and magnetic charm. We then all came to my Mum's ancestal place, Sector 45 (formerly the village of Burail) in Chandigarh. We are staying in my grandmother#s house and it is full of activity around here and nonstop hectic. After a burglary of the house, we have been a little anxious but also having fun. Sofi's personality is emerging more and more. She is strong-willed as well as loving and funny. We don't need to turn on the t.v. for entertainment. She is loving that there is a dog who has 6 puppies right outside of our house so playing with them is a frequent pastime. We will be heading back to Delhi in a few days to see my Mum off. In the interim the 1st substantive court hearing in the adoption case is this Monday the 13th. The worry is that here the lawyers and courts find it totally normal to postpone and delay any actual decision-making by adjourning the cases without deciding anything or just putting things off to the next date, and then giving long gaps between dates. We have put the Supreme Court Pandey case to the court's attention as it directs the courts to complete adoption cases in 2 months - but it is a guide and not a mandate so one cannot have any set of expectations, just hope!

--
Jackie