Agencies

I was shocked that the placement agency I had selected suddenly shut down their India program. Journeys of the Heart seemed to have a decent track record, unlike many of the agencies. They will not return the money I paid even though they have done nothing! This obstacle meant that I was more discouraged. Many agencies out there promise alot and have no idea how to handle things in the increasingly centralized process that India is using. Most of the agencies do not have any Indian staff and don't have anyone on the ground in India to keep things moving. They charge alot of money and I know too many people who are still waiting without any signs of a referral. India's CARA is keeping a tight grip on new registrations, keeping the list more or less closed to any new families, so that it appears unlikely that new families will get referrals any time soon, even if you can get registered. There are some families coming home with their children. Many wait longer than ever. And the process even after referral is unpredictable in length. Intercountry adoption gets harder and harder every year.

Stalled

Since my return from India, a little over 2 years ago, I have been trying to get myself to a place where I am ready to start the 2d adoption process. However, given the increasingly difficult timelines others are experiencing and the ever-more-challenging rules and mystery of the Indian process, I remain ambivalent about whether I should indeed proceed. The 1st time was really the worst experience of my life and not something I feel ready to face again. Last time I was alone and it was hard enough, this time Sofi would also be forced to suffer, so I don't think it is in her best interests at this time. Instead, I decided I would explore adoption locally as there are soo many wonderful children in need of a family like ours. I am now in the process of being approved as a foster parent, which is the procedure for adopting children whose parents' rights have been terminated. The process is transparent and I feel much more comfortable embarking on this next journey.

Sofi is keen to have a sister. And tells me that her sister grabs. She draws pictures for her, and is clearly happy about the idea of a sibling. She is wishing that we would get a baby, but is accepting the reality that her sister will be closer in age to herself and not a little baby. She agrees that babies really don't play much and mostly sleep, eat, pee and poop. We still don't know when it will all happen, but likely it will be in 2014, once we are licensed and approved.

India week at school...

 

 

4th birthday photo...

 

 

somewhat recent photo...

 

 
with Naani, on our way to London for a visit.

Further developments...

As the rules in India keep changing, agencies are shutting down their India programs. I had selected Journeys of the Heart as my placement agency - check paid and everything - but now they have closed down their India program. Appartenly, their India point person has moved to another agency. The uncertainty lingers on. Meanwhile,  I am working on getting my paperwork done, so that I can have my social worker visits start and end. It's taking alot longer than anticipated. Sofi is waiting eagerly for her sister Tara to come from India.

Sharing your personal story of adoption

An adoptee can share their story of adoption. But it is wise to only share the story with people who have earned the right to hear it. In reality, it is hard to know when that is. And how much to reveal. Ultimately, it's your child's story.

Cherishing our daughters of India

Today I am reminded of one of the incidents in my adoption journey. I cannot properly recall the true relationship, but roughly, my mum's cousin's daughter-in-law's cousin sister, or someone similarly distantly related to me, had a 3d daughter. Her husband, and I believe his family, were disappointed. They are not bad people. But the culture of India, and especially in our home state of Punjab, is that, a girl is a debt with no reward. In financial and economic terms, she is measured as a pure burden. You clothe her, feed her, maybe educate her, and then you must give her a good dowry in order to get someone to marry her and take her off your hands. In financial terms, parents worry. A son however, will take care of you (you hope!) and his wife will bring in a good dowry to the family. He will never leave you so it is perceived to be a good investment to put everything you have towards him. So, this family, was anxious about their 3d daughter. My mum's cousin had become aware of my mission, to adopt a truly needy daughter of India who needed me. With the best of intentions, she and her daughter-in-law drove me to their village, where I met with the mother of this 3d daughter. I was told that this little girl was available to be adopted, to save her from a life where she was resented and treated harshly. She was approximately 15 months old. She would not leave her mother for a moment. Her mother clearly loved her. I said nothing much. But on leaving I told my family that I could not adopt a child in these circumstances. She had a family. I would not interfere in that relationship. And she was not truly an orphan in the sense she would have to be for me to want to adopt her. Some months later, not long after, the girl's father had a bad accident. The family believed it was a direct result of them not honoring their 3d daughter. I understand they took that sign as a warning not to mistreat her. I hope and pray that she is doing well in her family.

And glad every day that I was united with Sofi. The love of my life.

Indian kids working...

Time to get back on the horse...

Preparing for an international adoption is gruelling. There is much talk of all the paperwork, but what it really means, your life has to be in a certain place of stability before you can succeed in completing your paperwork. Perhaps it's the same for everyone, but the 1st adoption is so all-consuming, that inevitably you get behind, really really behind, on what seems unimportant - like paperwork. Having spent the past 6 months getting things more or less up to date, I feel I can proceed with my paperwork. Interestingly, the new agency I am working with in Nevada requires that all the paperwork be completed before you will be assigned a social worker. Previously, you started on the paperwork and the social worker visits at the same time, so that motivated you to keep going on the paperwork part even more.

When I think it's silly to keep up this blog, however erratically I have time to post any news, I know it is worth it since I have been messaged many times by potential adopters who seek more information, insight and encouragement. It gives me great pleasure to be a tiny source of help to people in the process. No matter how discouraging the news is, like with CARA shutting down its program again so that it is not accepting any more applications, those of us who are determined know that it is even more important to keep adopting. CARA is putting up more hurdles. Orphanages claim to have less kids available  - for the process. But anyone who really knows the life of 90-something percent of Indians living in dire poverty, we know the kids are there. And they need us.

International adoptions from India into the US are declining. If things continue as they are, numbers will shrink even more. Here is what the US Government numbers look like:

Adoptions from India to U.S. by year

2011	226
2010	241
2009	297
2008	308
2007	411
2006	319
2005	323
2004	406
2003	473
2002	461
2001	542
2000	500
1999	472

It's a shame.

Single Motherhood...

Being a Single Parent Is Many Things. But It Is Not Failure."

Slate readers on the upsides of single parenthood.

By Allison Benedikt|Posted Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2013, at 9:00 AM ET

When couples celebrate their 10^th anniversary, they might buy important jewelry and give it to each other to wear. Sometimes they surprise each other and hide the jewels under napkins or in soup bowls. That's because a decade is a long time, a long time to share towels and make compromises and most often raise kids. In marital circles, it is an accomplishment. In unmarital circles, OK, in my unmarital circle, a decade of parenting—alone, without the relationship part—is not an accomplishment. It is a Sisyphean feat. It is like jogging to Uzbekistan. Or deciphering the human genome. I am going to buy a ruby and bake it into a cake and forget that I did it and give it to myself. Surprise! Happy anniversary!

These are the words of Pamela Kripke, who last week wrote an essay for Slate about her experience as a single mother. Under the headline, "It's Better To Be Raised By a Single Mom," Kripke detailed the feats and failures of single motherhood and, most importantly to her, the grit she is sure she has passed on to her two daughters—"the beauty that emerges from the strain, the impediments, even the sometimes terrifying knowledge that their parents might fail them."

We asked readers to write in with their own experiences, either of being a single mother or of being raised by one, and most also proudly identified this somewhat intangible characteristic of grit in their kids, a pride both for their kids and for a parenting job well done. From single mother Sarah Wilson:

I've been a single mom for over two years. It wasn't by choice. I was married and trying very hard to make my family work. My ex-husband walked out two weeks before Christmas while I was in the middle of law school exams, leaving me with a child who had just turned 2, a mortgage on a house that was underwater, and no idea how I was going to make it. Of course my daughter is going to be tougher and more resilient as a result, but not because I've short-changed her, or sent her to daycare, or told her there wasn't money to play soccer this year. Plenty of kids face those kind of "challenges" and much more. My daughter is going to have grit because she's seen it modeled by me her whole life. Mommy got out of bed, finished school, kept the house, paid the bills, and handled herself with grace in the face of obstacles.

Another single mom, Nancy Mure, echoes this sentiment—that there is a great benefit to what she is modeling for her children:

I am a flawed human most days, always apologizing for being scrambled or forgetting this or that, but my kids don't see me as perfect, and I prefer it that way. Where our previous life was seen by most as kept in a neat and tidy box as a "together family," it isn't now—and we've all learned to function in that. We are the privileged ones. We are the ones who have the coping mechanisms needed to get through life.

From those who wrote in, it's clear that single mothers appreciate this grit in their children, but do children appreciate having had to acquire it? Annie McDonald, who was raised by a single mother from the age of 2, says yes:

My mother, sister, and I would spend family evenings at the kitchen table licking green stamps to fill out the $5 booklets from the local pharmacy. We turned those booklets in not for prizes (as some do), but for cash so that we could buy groceries. 

My mother fixed the plumbing and the wiring when she could. She installed linoleum, ceramic tile, and wall paneling. She framed out a wall in the basement to create that second bedroom. She learned how to make stained glass windows and took on small commissions.

She raised us with a firm hand and was a strict disciplinarian. Granted, she had her faults and was by no means a saint. But she raised us with a capacity for learning and curiosity that was unparalleled among my childhood peer group. And from our experiences, my sister and I have developed incredibly strong coping devices that have gotten us through hard times of our own.

What about having no male role model in the house? For Wilson, the absence of a husband will, she hopes, actually serve to help her daughter find a good mate later in life. "I hope she'll learn from our teamwork that she deserves a true partner in her future life. If I had stayed married to my ex-husband, I might have inadvertently taught her that women work, cook, clean, and raise the kids while men do what they want."

Mure goes further, expressing a certain freedom that she feels exists in a household without "the man voice":

Minus the man voice, the lines of communication here are wide open. There is no intimidation, no judgment, no apprehension. If someone's feeling something—it's put out there. We discuss it. We find the humor in it. These conversations usually occur at dinner, the meal we eat together every night. The meal cooked by me and appreciated by the kids. The meal eaten on the table my son sets and my daughter cleans up and the meal over which conversation flows. 

Dave Steel, who grew up without a dad around, doesn't see it quite the same way. "Like other fatherless boys," he writes, "my life was defined by my dad's absence. In fact, never knowing my father shaped me as much, or more, as did being raised by mom alone." Like the others, Steel goes on to write about the resourcefulness he gained out of necessity:

While other kids my age were given cars when they turned 16, or drove around in spare family cars, I developed and executed a game plan to acquire a car and driver's license entirely on my own. I took the city bus to a grocery store, got a job bagging groceries, opened a bank account, enrolled in a driver's ed school across the street from the grocery store where I worked, got my license, and bought a junker for $400. Doing all of this took a year, and the car ended up lasting four months.

But he also writes beautifully about how difficult it is for a young man to grow up without a male model in the house—"becoming a man when you've grown up without one in your life is like building an airplane while flying it"—just as single father Robert Danberg writes beautifully about figuring out how to be a good dad to his kids. "I am a father unlike the father I had," he writes, "simply because a man whose children were born in 1965 understood the blessings and obligations differently than a man whose children were born in the '90s and '00s. You could say that, as a father, I've tried to be what I've understood was a good mother."

While most of us tend to view the family structure options as (a) two-parent family, (b) single mom-led family, or (c) single dad-led family, Pia Volk wrote in to remind us that there is a "(d)":

My 8-year-old son and I live in a shared flat with three other adults, a journalist and two doctors. We are like a family, just that we haven chosen each other because we like each other rather than because we are connected by bloodline. My flatmates teach my son skills that I don't have: One plays chess with him, the other piano, the next one soccer. By law, I am a single mother. By life, my son is a tribal project of the modern kind.

From the sons and daughters of single moms to the single mothers and fathers themselves, one thread that carried through all of the reader responses was a thoughtfulness about what parents pass on to their children—this idea that single parents aren't just scraping by and parenting from a haggard haze, but rather that they are molding their parenting philosophies to the circumstances of their lives. Take Theresa Verhaalen:

While many of my daughter's schoolmates have parents who disallow their children from setting foot to pavement on the way to school, I don't have time for that. While it may be frowned upon, I look at it as granting her a path to self-confidence in a world of paranoia. This way, she learns to use common sense.

I doubt I'll forget the day when she walked six blocks to a friend's house. The mom called me while I was at my desk, alarmed. "Were you aware that she was out there alone?" I calmly answered that I was happy she did this on her own, but she hadn't notified me before (which was the truth, the sly bugger). I had to listen to a litany about danger/responsibility/strangers and on and on. When the convo was over, I later patted my daughter on the back for her intuitiveness, told her not to walk to that friend's house again, and let it be.

It's not about throwing caution to the wind as much as it is about using common sense safety. I want my daughter to know how to handle emergencies, to have the freedom to trust her instincts. I am training her to be an adult after all. Where two-parent households may view it as unfortunate that she walks to and from school, that she doesn't have the amenities that go along with having a larger financial budget, I shrug it off.

Being a single parent is many things. But it is not failure. Not in my house.

doors slamming shut on international adoption...

This week, I am shocked to see a hot international adoption topic is that Russia is almost officially shutting down adoption to US families. The obvious victims are the hundreds and thousands of orphans in Russia - their chances of being adopted into a decent family is slim. Many Eastern European children who are given up suffer from a mild or debilitating form of fetal alcohol syndrome. Many adoptive parents struggle through it, but it's hard. Some fail. Russian adoptive parents also fail. But Russia still recalls the horrible American mother who returned her adopted child on a plane, unaccompanied. Rightly so, that has outraged Russians. It is sickening that any mother would do that.

The latest article
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/22/world/europe/russian-parliament-gives-final-approval-to-us-adoption-ban.html?ref=europe

Increasingly, international adoption is becoming harder and harder. The Hague Convention is supposed to improve things. But in reality, it has just provided more red tape. Legitimate prospective adopters jump through all the hoops. Sex trade and child traffickers bury themselves further and further underground. Yes, some orphanages have been caught stealing babies to put them up for adoption. But there is no good answer to explain why countries have thousands, hundreds of thousands of orphans, in need of good homes, and yet barely hundreds or a few thousand seem to be adopted internationally these days. Countries suddenly shut down all adoptions, or change the rules to make it harder and harder (like India), and the children fester.

Countries appear to feel embarassed their kids need adopting. But it is just a fact. It seems to have become part of politics again. It's very sad. The citizens of one country do not have the right to adopt an orphan child from any other country. But when that country doesn't have enough people willing to take on those kids, why not let them be adopted internationally? No good reason exists.

The path to Tara looms long, challenging and uncertain. I pray she is safe and cherished wherever she is.

On the move again!

We are in the midst of buying a house here in Tahoe. So we should be moving this month. Hoping to be all moved in before the month's end so we can start 2013 in our new home. This is the last major hurdle to overcome before progressing on with the adoption process. There have been lots of good and bad reports of how things are moving in India. I browse some other blogs, and people are bringing their kids home. From all over India. So things are still moving. The bad news is that CARA has already announced they are going to shut down taking any new applications in January 2013. If they have been accepting 100 applications a month this year, they should have somewhere in the region of a 1000 applications they need to catch up on. Alot of orpahanages are still apparently saying they have no kids. So it looks like we will be in for a long long wait. That's just the way it is. Sofi is thriving and doing well. Out of the blue she will ask if we can go to India so she can get her sister. But luckily 3 year olds have a relatively short attention span and this mean it's easily handled. Sofi is excited to be moving into the new house and can already recognize it when we drive down that street. We are optimistic to complete the process in the Spring and hope to take a trip to India before it gets too hot there.

Checking in...

It has been quite some time since I have been able to work on this process. There are many things that have to be in place to proceed. I have been working on those, so indirectly working on the process, but I have not been feeling as though much progress has been made since I got all the criminal clearances done. I am still optimistic that the paperwork can be completed before the end of the year. But it might also be early 2013. Along the way, I hear about others bringing their children home. It is amazing to me how many friends will refer me to their friends, or friends of friends. Everyone looking to get some advice on how I did it. It is a pleasure to help anyone, as it means one additional child gets to leave an orphanage and belong in a family. The process has become even more painfully slow. A friend in Delhi, it took her 6 months just to get the Indian passport. But then they were lucky and got the British passport while still in India which was great, as they were adamant with Sofi we couldn't ever get one! They even refused her a visa to enter the country, saying we had not been able to demonstrate that she would not try to settle there. But also hearing about people who have been assigned to agencies in India, still no referral. It's a random process alot of the time.

Sofi is doing great. She is enjoying her 2 new preschools. Monday Wednesday Friday mornings she in one and has been getting to know those kids. And the other Tuesday Thursday school is a longer day, with hiking picnic lunches, and she enjoys that too. We have started a carpool Tuesdays and Thursdays and it's another fun adventure for her to have. And her skis are all ready and we have lined up a ski instructor for her. Ski resorts should be open December 15th so another new step. I hope she enjoys it. It snowed half a foot last week and turned cold really suddenly, but the glorious sunshine is back and it all melted. Halloween festivities started last week. Neighbours have Booed her and given her candy and we are trying to limit daily intake. It looks like she might end up eating more candy in these 2 weeks than she eats in many months.

OK back to collating paperwork. It's different from last time. The previous home study started with social worker visits at the same time as collecting all the requisite submissions. This agency requires all the papers to be in, then the social worker will review, and only then will she come to visit us in our house. We are hoping to move in the next month or two so maybe that's for the best so that we can be moved in to our permanent home. If you move during the adoption, that's a big no no. Part of the submission is a floorplan of your home, so there can be an evualuation of whether it's sufficient for the new child. Makes sense.

This weekend we are heading the the Bay Area to visit friends. I also had left my snow tires there and need to collect them. There is a bay area ichild 10 year anniversary party - so it will be great to see some of the other people who have or are adopting children from India.

With Sofi in my life, I can honestly say, all is good. It will just be even better to have Tara with us. God bless her, wherever she may be.

Half the Sky

Some friends gave me a heads up to watch the PBS documentary Half the Sky. It focuses on the oppression of women. One focus is India. Seeing this, it is a horrid reminder of the challenges for women of all classes, but especially the lowest castes. I was able to avoid much of this cultural predetermination in being born to a Sikh family. I have never accepted the caste system as it appears to be so oppressive unless you happen to be able to claim to be a Brahmin. Seeing this, it spurs me on even more to my long standing goal of adoption. I know Tara will come to us, it is frustrating to think it will take a very long time, maybe years. There is so little value given to girls in most Indian families, yet it is near impossible to adopt one of the unwanted girls. But we will. Each day I see Sofi grow tall, and chatty, and I am left in wonder at the amazing little person she is. It breaks my heart to think her family could not keep her. It is their loss.

Manmohan Singh...

An article about the ineffectiveness of the Indian P M Manmohan Singh. A good man. To be credited with much of India's presence on the world economic stage, is severely criticized. When he can do so little about the big things, it is unlikely he will tackle the sad state of adoption of the unfortunate orphans. But one must persist. Tara is out there somewhere.

Why the next female in our family will be named Tara...

As stated by His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

There is a true feminist movement in Buddhism that relates to the goddess Tārā. Following her cultivation of bodhicitta, the bodhisattva's motivation, she looked upon the situation of those striving towards full awakening and she felt that there were too few people who attained Buddhahood as women. So she vowed, "I have developed bodhicitta as a woman. For all my lifetimes along the path I vow to be born as a woman, and in my final lifetime when I attain Buddhahood, then, too, I will be a woman."

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tara_%28Buddhism%29

We can know and love well the children who are ours to love. Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Summer has been hectic. And good. Sofi had the final swim class today at the beach. 8 weeks of swim class 4 weekday mornings a week. Coming so close after the Olympics it makes me think how dedicated those athletes and families must be. How much they have put in even to be at the Games. Even if they go unnoticed and don't come into the limelight with a medal. I am exhausted just from toddler swim class.

Taking a brief moment to stop and observe my life. I sat down and read just the introduction to 'Everyday Blessings - The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.' Hence the caption above. It is important for all of us parents to remember that if we are intent on wanting a certain kind of child in order to feel tremendous love for them, then we will be disappointed. Instead, we can know and love well the children who are ours to love. Enjoy the child we have. Support them. Nourish them. Try to do no harm. And be in close touch with who we are as a person, and as a parent, in order to help us in our job as a parent and in being the best human being we can be.

Next week, Sofi starts the 1st of her 2 new preschools. She will be attending Incline Village Nursery School here in town for a couple of hours Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. We have had a chance to meet several parents already and Sofi has seen some of the children she will be in school with. I am looking forward to it. And so is Sofi. There has been one boy she has been complaining about in her old school and she is very happy he is not going to her new school. We have been reading a book about a Sikh boy named Harman (like her London cousin) who is nervous about attending a new school. Sofi is not nervous at all. She is as cheerful as ever. Ready for the next chapter of her life of adventure.

She is also very comfortable now with the idea that she will get a little sister from India. It comes up several times a week now and each time Sofi asks "she come today?" I think she is ready.

Reviewing some of the ichild posts, it does appear that the new referral and adoption system adopted in India by CARA is much slower than before. Some bay area families have been waiting for a referral for a year. That's a shame. But we will persevere. CARA promises to match parents with a RIPA (orphanage) within about 2 weeks. That seems to be happening, but the referral of a child is not then happening quickly. Time will tell if the orphanages will stop putting the kids in through this system, or maybe they will have the kids go out secretly through the back door to avoid it. Many suspect that is already happening in larger and larger numbers. We can't do anything about that. Just have to wait for Tara, the child who will be ours to love. Wherever she is. We are waiting. And hoping.

stack of papers on my desk...

Every day, I face a mountain of papers on our never-used as a dining table desk. It's amazing how much paperwork is involved in trying to live a simple life. Applications for preschools, tax things, bills and then the adoption work. Each day I try to fill in some of the adoption paperwork as that is the most important. But you still have to pay bills, and attend to everything that is life. It feels like managing the paper in life in and of itself is a full time preoccupation. People ask me what I do. I am not sure. I prepare the most nutritious meals I can. I clean the house. I do some work. I deal with the paperwork. And I spend time with Sofi darling. The day is full. It feels like I can never get through enough. I am in awe of those single mums who go out and work a full job out of the office. It's great. And it's relentless. To bed. Tomorrow will be another good day. And I have to complete the application to Journeys of the Heart so they can liaise with our Home Study agency Premier Adoption so that we can be declared fit to go in search of Tara. Sofi can't say it very well, but she is looking forward to a sister. She says she will be called "Nala". Simba's pal from the Lion King, one of the stories that she likes. But Sofi doesn't like the uncle scar "cos he not nice".

Rough day!

I was listening to NPR and they talked about how international adoptions into the US were 23,000 just 8 years ago. And now, in the hopes of creating transparency, last year it was only 10,000. Somewhere in the region of 13,000 less children adopted internationally each year. Sad. Even if you admit that child trafficking and abuse cannot be guaranteed in our countries, something we must admit, even if it was 99% fine, then more than 12,000 kids a year are losing out. Who says these 13,000 kids a year are fine. Institutionalization at its very best, is ok. It is nothing compared to being loved and cherished in even a mediocre family. I get sad if I think about it, so I try not to. But it's reality. For this reason, I have plans to start 2 non-profits. 1st, to assist Indian origin families in the US to adopt from India. It's getting harder, smaller agencies are shutting down, but we must still try. Even if it takes longer. 2d, to help orphanages in India get the license that would allow their children to have a chance to be on the international adoption list. I support India wanting their kids to 1st stay in India if possible. But there are too many kids. Domestic Indians rarely will take those older, darker, special needs kids. We will and do regularly.

Then I watched 'Iron Lady' about Margaret Thatcher. I was a child in the Thatcher era in London. The film took me to a less than happy trip down memory lane. IRA bombings. Economic difficulties. Strikes. Electicity shortages. Oil price spikes and long lines for petrol. Skinheads and race riots. It was a difficult time. That was a backdrop to my childhood as an immigrant going to a privileged posh school, where I felt like the Beverly Hillbillies character for all my lack of British good breeding and etiquette. We were working class. I worked with my family. It was hard for my parents to find the money to pay the fees. Thatcher had to do what all women did have to do and still have to do... work twice as hard and overcome all the prejudices against women and not getting adequate respect. If a man is tough, he is admired. If a woman is tough, she is frequently labelled a bitch. It's not the past. It still happens. Women can't have it all. If they don't have a family, then have had to give something up. If they have a family, they still have to dedicate less time, or else a slew of nannies raise their children which is not ideal no matter how wonderful the nanny.

And then I keep hearing stories about the ex Army shooter who killed people from my community this weekend. It is a reminder that some people will always find us different in a way that is not acceptable. I have a landlord who simply refuses to respond to simple maintenance issues. I am accused of misuing the toilet if it clogs and they will refuse to attend. When it is 90 degrees in our living room and the only fan doesn't work, she says, I don't think the owner will agree to fix or replace it. Even when I ask the electrician how much it would cost and he sayd $60!!! Right in front of her. And still she says no! It is has become obvious that racism is the only rational explanation for the blatant unlawful actions of Coldwell Banker. If I try to insist that things be done, they say you can leave, rather than fix it. Growing up Indian in 1970's London, we were abused "Pakis go home." We were not Pakistani. Just as now we are not Muslim. But what if we were? It's the ignorance of the racist not to care and probably not to even know there is a difference. And none of us should be targeted. As I watched Iron Lady, as I see stories about the Sikhs killed at the gurdwara in Wisconsin, and as I deal with racism today with Coldwell Banker, I am frustrated. And angry. Do I sit quietly and learn to forgive these mean ignorant people.

What do I teach my kids. We are different. We are coloured. We are nice people. When will Sofi and Tara first get hurt and wonder if their skin colour had something to do with it. What do I say? What if it's true? Racism exists, but it's not safe to be openly racist anymore. So it has gone underground. While most people are more cosmopolitan and educated with mass communication at our fingertips, it drives the bigot and racists underground. More sly. Harder to notice. Scarier. And I don't know how to answer all the upsetting questions in my head.

Heritage

The shooting spree at the Sikh gurdwara in Wisconsin yesterday is saddening. Ignorance and prejudice are never helpful. In India, Sikh men with their proud turbans are admired. The Indian Army reveres them for their hard work and bravery. In the West, however, Sikhs are often singled out because they look so different. The men in my family wear turbans. I grew up in Sikh family. I did not cut my hair, consistent with our religious requirement, but I did not stand out as girls having long hair is a thing of beauty. We went to gurdwara. We learned some Sikh prayers. We naughtily avoided Punjabi lessons - although most of us now regret that aspect. I am not an active Sikh in any outward way. My hair is now short. I rarely go to gurdwara. But it is a part of how I came to be who I came to be. The Sikh culture taught me that all religions are good, that they have you be thankful to God and lead an honest life. It taught me we are all equal. No one is higher or lower, and that is why we all wear the same steel bracelet and sit together to eat the langar (meal) in the gurdwara. Sikhs are generally hard working honest people who enjoy life fully. We like to eat well. We love to dance bhangra and giddha. We want to be around family.

Being Sikh is also part of my being Punjabi and being Indian. It is my culture and background. My English friends tended to understand this a little. Most of them grew up eating Indian food and knowing Indians, just like my friends knew me and got to know the inside stories. Mostly, my Americans don't get it as there are so many fewer Indians in the US compared to the densely populated bounds of London. When an event happens connected to being Indian, Punjabi or Sikh, I feel a stronger link to my ancestry, different from going about day to day life. I want Sofi to understand her heritage. She is part of it too. Hopefully, we will be making a trip to India in the Spring of 2013.

Reading about the shootings today, I again came across a short film about female foeticide.
http://www.sikhnet.com/filmfestival/2006/beti/

As an adoptive mother of a fantastic daughter, who was abandoned in the state of Punjab - my ancestral home - it breaks my heart any time I see or think about the cultural predispositions for many Indians, and even higher proportions of Punjabis to devalue girls and consider them a burden. Sadly, even as a privileged London-born Punjabi, I have seen this very same bias against me and other girls even in my own "modern" family. Simply dues to us being girls. To speak out against it is to bring more trouble. I have seen that first hand and it is unfair. It is not right. But it is real. It is the reality of the economic structure within which Indians live, that they see girls as a bad investment with no returns. They feel that the girl has to be housed and fed, possibly educated, and then a huge dowry has to be accumulated in order for someone to begrudgingly take her off your hands in marriage. Boys stay in the family and bring a dowry-rich bride in to the mix. People who abort and kill girls are not to be judged. No one living a privilege Western or Indian life can truly understand the difficulties they face. After living in India for over a year to adopt Sofi, I saw and heard many things that opened my eyes to what I already suspected. Life is hard. Life as a poor person in India is extremely hard. The life of women is the hardest, and can even be considered an atrocity for all too many. It is not all saints and yogis as many westerners think. It is not all 5 star hotels, clubs and restaurants, and designer clothes-shopping and big elaborate weddings which is what most NRIs (non resident Indians) experience on their vacations to India. It is not for Oprah to look down on us patronizingly and incredulous that we eat with our hands.

Being Punjabi can sometime seem to be at odds with being Sikh. Girls are meant to be equal. Culture often means they are not. I see this more within the uneducated classes. But even very rich educated Indians can have lingering prejudices. The families where they overcome these backward stereotypes are wonderful. We need more families like that. And as more and more Indians are openly adopting abandoned or neglected children, there is hope that the ripple effects will be pervasive and positive. One girl at a time. There can be change. I cannot do much. But adopting Sofi, and now looking for Tara, is the minute contribution I can make. The gift Sofi has already given to me is considerably greater than my wish to make the world a better place for everyone, but especially for Indian girls.

agencies to get Tara

The process for adoption is really hard. I have had lots and lots of friends of friends be in touch with me thinking there is a shortcut. There is not one. The rules are getting harder. And things will probably take just as long or longer than before. And as non resident Indians or foreigners, it is getting more likely that you will need to be happy to adopt an older child and possibly one with special needs. We leave it to God to send us Tara in whatever form is appropriate.

For the Home Study agency, there are only 2 choices in Nevada. A Home Study is an approval that you are fit to adopt. It is a license, not a privilege to adopt. Often people think it's easy or a breeze, but it is the hardest way to become a parent. We are using Premier Adoption agency. I have started the process by writing a big fat check. And filling out forms. Step 1 is getting fingerprints and child abuse clearances from every place that you have lived since the age of 18. The older you get, the harder it is to remember every single address. Let's hope I have recollected enough for the checks to come out clear again. You would think it would be easier 2d time around. But I cannot find the forms I filled out last time in 2009 so it's like starting over on gathering the data.

For our placement agency (the one that works to match you with a child and deal with the process in India and getting your child home), I am using Journeys of the Heart. They appear to be the agency with the most historic and current experience with India. Many agencies have recently shut down their India programme. My previous agency, MAPS, no longer works with India. The system is different now. Before, your agency or you could find a child and then seek Indian central goverment (CARA) approval. Now, fears of corruption have led CARA to try to assign children available to parents applying. There have been many delays in India. Many times, India has just shut down their new applications. Supposedly, to overhaul the system. Then to clear the backlog. And now, they are accepting only 100 new appications, on the 1st of the month. Apparently, within minutes they fill up, and if your agency did not manage to get you registered, you are out of luck and have to wait another month. I have heard that many orphanages are reporting less available children. Why? Where are they going? I hate to think about what is happening in such cases. I will have the choice to state a preference for an orphanage. It is hard to say what I will do as there are so few children on the lists. But I am optimistic that I will again be matched with a Punjabi child so that I can maintain our cultural experiences.

Next, I have to work on the remainder of the Home Study application packet. Lots of medical, financial, and other information, as well as references from people who can vouch for me. I am hoping it will be done by the end of August or early September.

Then I will be needing to have at least 4 meetings with the social worker. One at home so they can see how we live. The rest to provide a deep and thorough insight into me, Sofi's life and the life we offer to Tara.

It's overwhelming how much is required to be done. Just have to plod on and get it done. Then wait. Wait. Wait. And pray for our file to be registered with CARA quickly. Then wait. And wait some more. There is no way to be sure how long it will take to find Tara. She must be at least 10 months younger than Sofi. So she would have to be born on June 1, 2010 or later. She is quite possibly already 2 years old. Somewhere. Now knowing what is ahead of her. We can only pray that she is in a place that is kind and warm-hearted so she knows love.