Throughout this process, living in India, I have felt like a fish out of water. Sitting with non-Indian expats today, it reminds me of just how much of a culture shock it is to come and live in India. There are soo many wonderful things here. But the shock to the system is massive and often debilitating. Although of Indian origin, I am totally foreign to all people here and I feel very frustrated very often. I am Indian in some ways, but I suppose that being an NRI, being born and raised throughout in the west, has shaped me and made me who I am today. So I am more familiar and comfortable with the western systems and culture. I miss being in a country where I speak the language properly, I miss having friends calling just to say "hi", I miss being in a place where I can get around without feeling lost. I have so much admiration now for people that just up and move to India without even being Indian; they are really brave and adventurous. I am really really ready to go home. It's coming close and funnily enough, the closer I get to going, the more I am climbing the walls to go. I want Sofi to be surrounded by people who know me from before and she can feel that love and warmth. It is hard work having only new friends around.
As we are getting on with Sofi's Indian passport, we are now being told by the British High Commission that she might be prohibited from entering the UK. Apparently, as I used my US citizenship to adopt Sofi, the British government will condescend to acknowledge Sofi as my legal daughter, probably for taxes and anything negative, but they will not confer British citizenship on her automatically. I will have to research this, but it is my understanding that an adopted child must be regognized just like a biological child. Rude awkening to find out the British government has an exception for adopted children to deprive them of what is their legal right in all civilized countries. Yet another obstacle to overcome. The US government and process has just been so wonderful about adoption and embraces it at every turn, that it is a disappointing shock to see that once again the British rules are anti-adoption. They are already one of the most difficult countries for adoption, whether domestic or international, and this is yet another way they are against people trying to build their families by adoption.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
the process goes on... and on... but we are moving forward!
So after we officially became mother and daughter, one thinks that's the end of the process, right? Think again! We still do not have the requisite permission to travel out of the country. Step 1, birth certificate. The ashram say it will take at least a month. I think I can't wait that long. I am ready to leave! So, we take it into our own hands. We stopped into the the ashram on the 16th, 2 days after the Adoption Deed was issued. Not surprisingly, although they were supposed to have started working on the BC already. We go into the office, to be told, oh, there is some new procedure. When asked, what is it, we are told, it's hard to say. When we ask, how are you going to overcome it, they respond, let's see. I have heard them lamely say "let's see" over and over and over and over in the past 9 months, and that usually means, we don't plan to do anything, let it fall from the sky like a miracle, because we don't give a shit about the speed of your process, this is just a job for us and we are not bothered about you and your child wanting to get on with living life, because we are happily rolling along in our own lives. I have always been suspicious that the lack of bribe was a factor, but who knows. The apathy I see is pretty common with them in all cases. But then I have not known of anyone who has bribed them. It appears basically that they are so full of themselves thinking that because they are dealing with all orphans, they have this attitude that they are doing God's work. They forget that they are generally pretty apathetic and not bothered and therefore hindering the process from moving. Case after case, I see they go slow. Because they have soo many cases in process, and they are quite laid back, things don't move very quickly.
So, we (me and the driver Sukha) started to ask what is the problem with Sofi's BC. What is the process. 1st it's apparently the SDM (sub divisional magistrate). THen the Civil Hospital where all births are recorded. THen the Municipal Corporation where the actualy BC is written. I can see how one might take a month with so many different departments involved in a little BC. We ask the ashram if we can take over. The person in charge, the new retired Colonel, had simply said, oh well, I went in this morning, so I don't plan to go in again today, despite our asking desperately for his help to get this BC started ASAP rahter than waiting around. He continued talking as if we never spoke, saying the next few days are a holiday, so nothing will start now until Monday - 5 days ahead! His BS and self-serving self-praising monologues are quite tedious. He is soo self righteous. I have seen the reality of his accomplishments in our case fall far short of his own delusions about himself. Basically, he is a pompous ass! But we smile as if he is wonderful. As long as you sit and listen and let him talk and talk about how wonderful a job he is doing and how these ingrate orphans are lucky to have him, he is happy. I feel sorry for the kids he has been put in charge. But it seems no worse than before he was appointed. And no better. Overall, the ashram is taking adequate care of the kids, and they are much much luckier than most children in orphanages, or even alot of kids who have parents. So it is up to them to make the most of their life.
Luckily, their laziness or apathy makes them happy to take the credit for us to do all their work. So they give us the application and letter and say we can go back to the SDM and try to make the BC. Now that Sofi is legally mine, I have the right to take over her process, whereas before I had to sit by and be satisfied just asking and asking how things were going and if there was anything I could do, only to be told, "don't worry, it will be done."
So we start with the SDM's P.A. He explains that the 1st step actually is to go to the Tassildar (like a district supervisor I think). He agrees to call the Tassildar and ask it to be done quickly. We run to the Tassildar, knowing it is a short week, and he is really nice and helpful. He goes thru the papers immediately, and the only catch is that the ashram's affidavit has to be verified in person by the affiant. So we run back to the ashram and drag the Colonel along to get him to verify in person. Also, they decide they need to see the original Adoption Deed, and by chance I had got it off the lawyer the day before and so I was able to pull it out of my purse like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, and things were moving nicely. After signing, then it turned out we needed the official ashram stamp on the papers, so we ran back to the ashram with the Colonel, and had another staff memeber accompany us back with the stamp, and we completed the Tassildar recommendation and approval. Whew! All in a day's work.
We take the file back up to the SDM's P.A. and he assures us that even tho the next day is a half day, it will be ready for us to pick up his approval before 1 p.m. We show up at 10 the next morning, and are pleasantly surprised that it is all ready!!! Both the SDM and the Tassildar approvals have been obtained in less than 24 hours, even tho it was Eid and some other random holiday. We are soo pleased with ourselves, we decide to rush to the Civil Hospital as it is barely 10:30 and it is still a half day of work.
At the Civil Hospital, it is again an exercise of running from one counter to another counter to another counter, being desperate, asking everyone for their help in getting this done ASAP, and pleasantly being received well everywhere, and everyone being helpful and courteous, as we zoom zoom all over the place like a couple of chickens without heads. Heads turn as people wonder what is all the rushing is about. But the upshot is that we get all the process of the Civil Hospital almost complete by the time they close for lunch. What we achieved in an hour, usually takes at least a week, or many weeks. The exception is if a baby is born in a hospital and properly recorded, and then things are relatively straightforward. We ended up with all the papers ready, just needing the bigshot Dr's signature and since he had already left for a wedding, it was not possible to do anymore until Monday.
So I decide nothing more to do but take a few days of rest. Amidst all this success in our process, and wonderful Sofi time, I have been almost constantly ill since New Years Eve. 2 months now. I had gastritis and was violently ill from NYE until the 2d week of Jan. Lost weight and looked better, but quite tiring. Was ok for a bit and then 1st week of Feb had a weird infection that erupted in an absess in my nose that was excruciating. Managed to subdue the swelling in time to look fine for the wedding, but oddly, the day after the wedding weekend, on Valentine's Day, I woke up with yet another pain by my bellybutton. 2 & 1/2 weeks later, 2 rounds of antibiotics, and finally resorting to heavy painkillers, it has not healed. So it is time to see another Dr today, a dermatologist in the hopes of figuring out what all this is about.
After the weekend of taking easy and seeing some friends in Chandigarh, it was back to Jalandhar on the 21st and we ran around at Civil Hospital and got the big Dr signature. On to the Municipal Corporation. We had run into someone from the MC at the hospital before the holiday weekend, and he also said if we went to see him, he would help us get it done. So after some herculean effort on the MOnday, by just 2 p.m. we had Sofi's birth certificate. We celebrated with a dhaba lunch! In 3 work days, we had made the birth certificate. The ashram staff were astonished. Monday the 21st was the day they planned to start the approximately month long procecss, and here we were with it all done and dusted. They were a little suitablly embarassed that it was done so quickly, but they are too obstinate to be bothered really. One thing less they had to do, and they can take the credit for a job all done.
Next step passport. We had been told we could start the passport application at the same time as the BC, but when we went to the passpost office in Feb 16th it was closed for Eid. THat is why we decided to focus on the BC as the passport office would not be reopening til the 21st. After further consideration, and given that I was really unwell with the infection, we decided to head back to Delhi after being away from home for 2 weeks and on the 22d we drove back and were glad to be "home". ON the 23d Sofi went back to school and her teacher said she was remembering everything and having fun. Her playschool is fun. I let the infection subside and asked around about how best we could get the passport quickly, as the usual process takes about 6 weeks, which is quite long. In the end I have submitted the passport application online and have an appointment to take in all the papers on March 8 at 12:45 so let's hope things go smooth and we are able to file the fees for the "tatkal" (emergency) application and it will be done in about 2 weeks. Que sera, sera!
So, we (me and the driver Sukha) started to ask what is the problem with Sofi's BC. What is the process. 1st it's apparently the SDM (sub divisional magistrate). THen the Civil Hospital where all births are recorded. THen the Municipal Corporation where the actualy BC is written. I can see how one might take a month with so many different departments involved in a little BC. We ask the ashram if we can take over. The person in charge, the new retired Colonel, had simply said, oh well, I went in this morning, so I don't plan to go in again today, despite our asking desperately for his help to get this BC started ASAP rahter than waiting around. He continued talking as if we never spoke, saying the next few days are a holiday, so nothing will start now until Monday - 5 days ahead! His BS and self-serving self-praising monologues are quite tedious. He is soo self righteous. I have seen the reality of his accomplishments in our case fall far short of his own delusions about himself. Basically, he is a pompous ass! But we smile as if he is wonderful. As long as you sit and listen and let him talk and talk about how wonderful a job he is doing and how these ingrate orphans are lucky to have him, he is happy. I feel sorry for the kids he has been put in charge. But it seems no worse than before he was appointed. And no better. Overall, the ashram is taking adequate care of the kids, and they are much much luckier than most children in orphanages, or even alot of kids who have parents. So it is up to them to make the most of their life.
Luckily, their laziness or apathy makes them happy to take the credit for us to do all their work. So they give us the application and letter and say we can go back to the SDM and try to make the BC. Now that Sofi is legally mine, I have the right to take over her process, whereas before I had to sit by and be satisfied just asking and asking how things were going and if there was anything I could do, only to be told, "don't worry, it will be done."
So we start with the SDM's P.A. He explains that the 1st step actually is to go to the Tassildar (like a district supervisor I think). He agrees to call the Tassildar and ask it to be done quickly. We run to the Tassildar, knowing it is a short week, and he is really nice and helpful. He goes thru the papers immediately, and the only catch is that the ashram's affidavit has to be verified in person by the affiant. So we run back to the ashram and drag the Colonel along to get him to verify in person. Also, they decide they need to see the original Adoption Deed, and by chance I had got it off the lawyer the day before and so I was able to pull it out of my purse like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, and things were moving nicely. After signing, then it turned out we needed the official ashram stamp on the papers, so we ran back to the ashram with the Colonel, and had another staff memeber accompany us back with the stamp, and we completed the Tassildar recommendation and approval. Whew! All in a day's work.
We take the file back up to the SDM's P.A. and he assures us that even tho the next day is a half day, it will be ready for us to pick up his approval before 1 p.m. We show up at 10 the next morning, and are pleasantly surprised that it is all ready!!! Both the SDM and the Tassildar approvals have been obtained in less than 24 hours, even tho it was Eid and some other random holiday. We are soo pleased with ourselves, we decide to rush to the Civil Hospital as it is barely 10:30 and it is still a half day of work.
At the Civil Hospital, it is again an exercise of running from one counter to another counter to another counter, being desperate, asking everyone for their help in getting this done ASAP, and pleasantly being received well everywhere, and everyone being helpful and courteous, as we zoom zoom all over the place like a couple of chickens without heads. Heads turn as people wonder what is all the rushing is about. But the upshot is that we get all the process of the Civil Hospital almost complete by the time they close for lunch. What we achieved in an hour, usually takes at least a week, or many weeks. The exception is if a baby is born in a hospital and properly recorded, and then things are relatively straightforward. We ended up with all the papers ready, just needing the bigshot Dr's signature and since he had already left for a wedding, it was not possible to do anymore until Monday.
So I decide nothing more to do but take a few days of rest. Amidst all this success in our process, and wonderful Sofi time, I have been almost constantly ill since New Years Eve. 2 months now. I had gastritis and was violently ill from NYE until the 2d week of Jan. Lost weight and looked better, but quite tiring. Was ok for a bit and then 1st week of Feb had a weird infection that erupted in an absess in my nose that was excruciating. Managed to subdue the swelling in time to look fine for the wedding, but oddly, the day after the wedding weekend, on Valentine's Day, I woke up with yet another pain by my bellybutton. 2 & 1/2 weeks later, 2 rounds of antibiotics, and finally resorting to heavy painkillers, it has not healed. So it is time to see another Dr today, a dermatologist in the hopes of figuring out what all this is about.
After the weekend of taking easy and seeing some friends in Chandigarh, it was back to Jalandhar on the 21st and we ran around at Civil Hospital and got the big Dr signature. On to the Municipal Corporation. We had run into someone from the MC at the hospital before the holiday weekend, and he also said if we went to see him, he would help us get it done. So after some herculean effort on the MOnday, by just 2 p.m. we had Sofi's birth certificate. We celebrated with a dhaba lunch! In 3 work days, we had made the birth certificate. The ashram staff were astonished. Monday the 21st was the day they planned to start the approximately month long procecss, and here we were with it all done and dusted. They were a little suitablly embarassed that it was done so quickly, but they are too obstinate to be bothered really. One thing less they had to do, and they can take the credit for a job all done.
Next step passport. We had been told we could start the passport application at the same time as the BC, but when we went to the passpost office in Feb 16th it was closed for Eid. THat is why we decided to focus on the BC as the passport office would not be reopening til the 21st. After further consideration, and given that I was really unwell with the infection, we decided to head back to Delhi after being away from home for 2 weeks and on the 22d we drove back and were glad to be "home". ON the 23d Sofi went back to school and her teacher said she was remembering everything and having fun. Her playschool is fun. I let the infection subside and asked around about how best we could get the passport quickly, as the usual process takes about 6 weeks, which is quite long. In the end I have submitted the passport application online and have an appointment to take in all the papers on March 8 at 12:45 so let's hope things go smooth and we are able to file the fees for the "tatkal" (emergency) application and it will be done in about 2 weeks. Que sera, sera!
Dr updates
We have been to see a new paeditrician in Delhi just to check in and see how Sofi is progressing. He was recommended to us by the American Embassy nurse. We came up with some interesting new information about Sofi's birth weight. He has said that since she was 3 kg at 6 & 1/2 months, he estimates she would have been approximately 1.7 kg only at birth! Pretty small. He has tracked her height and weight growth in the past year and said I had done an amazing job of taking her from being soo under on all points, to putting her into the 50th percentile for height and weight. She is now at age exactly 21 months a whopping 12.1 kgs. I am happy she is healthy. He is a little concerned about her head diameter as it is a little small still, but we can demonstrate growth of 2 cms in the last 8 months, so it is not totally an issue. We will have to monitor it and ensure that she is growing. Initially, June 2010 the Dr in Jalanadhar had assessed her as having symmetrical growth delay. Now with her head lagging 10% behing her height and weight, it is slighty assymetric. Also, she is having some slight fungus and wax buildup in her ears that may be the reason she has been cranky and moody this past week - or it might just be that she seems to be teething with her molars. SO it's ear drops and we will clean out those ears. And also she seems to have hay fever or allergies as her nose is runny, so we have to use nasal drops and sprays and suction out the nasal passage every day for the next couple months, to prevent any backflow and chest congestion. She had some shots too, for chicken pox and the final vaccination she needed and she is still all up to date on her shots. We have taken some bloodwork also just to see how her hemaglobin looks, as the Dr was a little concerned, but said it's pretty common for Indian children to have really low levels. We had been giving Sofi SFe iron supplements twice a day for 6 months last year, so I am hopeful her levels will not be worrying anymore. But we will check on everything next week when we go back to see the Dr. Still have to collect and deliver a stool sample! Sofi is now 82.5 cms tall. 50th percentile. So all in all, for a child who was clearly suffering from "failure to thrive" according to the Dr, he said I had done an amazing job of getting her to thrive so well so quickly. I know it is Sofi who thrives from her own inner strength. She is a fighter and that's how she found me.
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Jackie
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Jackie
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