Why the next female in our family will be named Tara...

As stated by His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

There is a true feminist movement in Buddhism that relates to the goddess Tārā. Following her cultivation of bodhicitta, the bodhisattva's motivation, she looked upon the situation of those striving towards full awakening and she felt that there were too few people who attained Buddhahood as women. So she vowed, "I have developed bodhicitta as a woman. For all my lifetimes along the path I vow to be born as a woman, and in my final lifetime when I attain Buddhahood, then, too, I will be a woman."

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tara_%28Buddhism%29

We can know and love well the children who are ours to love. Jon Kabat-Zinn

The Summer has been hectic. And good. Sofi had the final swim class today at the beach. 8 weeks of swim class 4 weekday mornings a week. Coming so close after the Olympics it makes me think how dedicated those athletes and families must be. How much they have put in even to be at the Games. Even if they go unnoticed and don't come into the limelight with a medal. I am exhausted just from toddler swim class.

Taking a brief moment to stop and observe my life. I sat down and read just the introduction to 'Everyday Blessings - The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.' Hence the caption above. It is important for all of us parents to remember that if we are intent on wanting a certain kind of child in order to feel tremendous love for them, then we will be disappointed. Instead, we can know and love well the children who are ours to love. Enjoy the child we have. Support them. Nourish them. Try to do no harm. And be in close touch with who we are as a person, and as a parent, in order to help us in our job as a parent and in being the best human being we can be.

Next week, Sofi starts the 1st of her 2 new preschools. She will be attending Incline Village Nursery School here in town for a couple of hours Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. We have had a chance to meet several parents already and Sofi has seen some of the children she will be in school with. I am looking forward to it. And so is Sofi. There has been one boy she has been complaining about in her old school and she is very happy he is not going to her new school. We have been reading a book about a Sikh boy named Harman (like her London cousin) who is nervous about attending a new school. Sofi is not nervous at all. She is as cheerful as ever. Ready for the next chapter of her life of adventure.

She is also very comfortable now with the idea that she will get a little sister from India. It comes up several times a week now and each time Sofi asks "she come today?" I think she is ready.

Reviewing some of the ichild posts, it does appear that the new referral and adoption system adopted in India by CARA is much slower than before. Some bay area families have been waiting for a referral for a year. That's a shame. But we will persevere. CARA promises to match parents with a RIPA (orphanage) within about 2 weeks. That seems to be happening, but the referral of a child is not then happening quickly. Time will tell if the orphanages will stop putting the kids in through this system, or maybe they will have the kids go out secretly through the back door to avoid it. Many suspect that is already happening in larger and larger numbers. We can't do anything about that. Just have to wait for Tara, the child who will be ours to love. Wherever she is. We are waiting. And hoping.

stack of papers on my desk...

Every day, I face a mountain of papers on our never-used as a dining table desk. It's amazing how much paperwork is involved in trying to live a simple life. Applications for preschools, tax things, bills and then the adoption work. Each day I try to fill in some of the adoption paperwork as that is the most important. But you still have to pay bills, and attend to everything that is life. It feels like managing the paper in life in and of itself is a full time preoccupation. People ask me what I do. I am not sure. I prepare the most nutritious meals I can. I clean the house. I do some work. I deal with the paperwork. And I spend time with Sofi darling. The day is full. It feels like I can never get through enough. I am in awe of those single mums who go out and work a full job out of the office. It's great. And it's relentless. To bed. Tomorrow will be another good day. And I have to complete the application to Journeys of the Heart so they can liaise with our Home Study agency Premier Adoption so that we can be declared fit to go in search of Tara. Sofi can't say it very well, but she is looking forward to a sister. She says she will be called "Nala". Simba's pal from the Lion King, one of the stories that she likes. But Sofi doesn't like the uncle scar "cos he not nice".

Rough day!

I was listening to NPR and they talked about how international adoptions into the US were 23,000 just 8 years ago. And now, in the hopes of creating transparency, last year it was only 10,000. Somewhere in the region of 13,000 less children adopted internationally each year. Sad. Even if you admit that child trafficking and abuse cannot be guaranteed in our countries, something we must admit, even if it was 99% fine, then more than 12,000 kids a year are losing out. Who says these 13,000 kids a year are fine. Institutionalization at its very best, is ok. It is nothing compared to being loved and cherished in even a mediocre family. I get sad if I think about it, so I try not to. But it's reality. For this reason, I have plans to start 2 non-profits. 1st, to assist Indian origin families in the US to adopt from India. It's getting harder, smaller agencies are shutting down, but we must still try. Even if it takes longer. 2d, to help orphanages in India get the license that would allow their children to have a chance to be on the international adoption list. I support India wanting their kids to 1st stay in India if possible. But there are too many kids. Domestic Indians rarely will take those older, darker, special needs kids. We will and do regularly.

Then I watched 'Iron Lady' about Margaret Thatcher. I was a child in the Thatcher era in London. The film took me to a less than happy trip down memory lane. IRA bombings. Economic difficulties. Strikes. Electicity shortages. Oil price spikes and long lines for petrol. Skinheads and race riots. It was a difficult time. That was a backdrop to my childhood as an immigrant going to a privileged posh school, where I felt like the Beverly Hillbillies character for all my lack of British good breeding and etiquette. We were working class. I worked with my family. It was hard for my parents to find the money to pay the fees. Thatcher had to do what all women did have to do and still have to do... work twice as hard and overcome all the prejudices against women and not getting adequate respect. If a man is tough, he is admired. If a woman is tough, she is frequently labelled a bitch. It's not the past. It still happens. Women can't have it all. If they don't have a family, then have had to give something up. If they have a family, they still have to dedicate less time, or else a slew of nannies raise their children which is not ideal no matter how wonderful the nanny.

And then I keep hearing stories about the ex Army shooter who killed people from my community this weekend. It is a reminder that some people will always find us different in a way that is not acceptable. I have a landlord who simply refuses to respond to simple maintenance issues. I am accused of misuing the toilet if it clogs and they will refuse to attend. When it is 90 degrees in our living room and the only fan doesn't work, she says, I don't think the owner will agree to fix or replace it. Even when I ask the electrician how much it would cost and he sayd $60!!! Right in front of her. And still she says no! It is has become obvious that racism is the only rational explanation for the blatant unlawful actions of Coldwell Banker. If I try to insist that things be done, they say you can leave, rather than fix it. Growing up Indian in 1970's London, we were abused "Pakis go home." We were not Pakistani. Just as now we are not Muslim. But what if we were? It's the ignorance of the racist not to care and probably not to even know there is a difference. And none of us should be targeted. As I watched Iron Lady, as I see stories about the Sikhs killed at the gurdwara in Wisconsin, and as I deal with racism today with Coldwell Banker, I am frustrated. And angry. Do I sit quietly and learn to forgive these mean ignorant people.

What do I teach my kids. We are different. We are coloured. We are nice people. When will Sofi and Tara first get hurt and wonder if their skin colour had something to do with it. What do I say? What if it's true? Racism exists, but it's not safe to be openly racist anymore. So it has gone underground. While most people are more cosmopolitan and educated with mass communication at our fingertips, it drives the bigot and racists underground. More sly. Harder to notice. Scarier. And I don't know how to answer all the upsetting questions in my head.

Heritage

The shooting spree at the Sikh gurdwara in Wisconsin yesterday is saddening. Ignorance and prejudice are never helpful. In India, Sikh men with their proud turbans are admired. The Indian Army reveres them for their hard work and bravery. In the West, however, Sikhs are often singled out because they look so different. The men in my family wear turbans. I grew up in Sikh family. I did not cut my hair, consistent with our religious requirement, but I did not stand out as girls having long hair is a thing of beauty. We went to gurdwara. We learned some Sikh prayers. We naughtily avoided Punjabi lessons - although most of us now regret that aspect. I am not an active Sikh in any outward way. My hair is now short. I rarely go to gurdwara. But it is a part of how I came to be who I came to be. The Sikh culture taught me that all religions are good, that they have you be thankful to God and lead an honest life. It taught me we are all equal. No one is higher or lower, and that is why we all wear the same steel bracelet and sit together to eat the langar (meal) in the gurdwara. Sikhs are generally hard working honest people who enjoy life fully. We like to eat well. We love to dance bhangra and giddha. We want to be around family.

Being Sikh is also part of my being Punjabi and being Indian. It is my culture and background. My English friends tended to understand this a little. Most of them grew up eating Indian food and knowing Indians, just like my friends knew me and got to know the inside stories. Mostly, my Americans don't get it as there are so many fewer Indians in the US compared to the densely populated bounds of London. When an event happens connected to being Indian, Punjabi or Sikh, I feel a stronger link to my ancestry, different from going about day to day life. I want Sofi to understand her heritage. She is part of it too. Hopefully, we will be making a trip to India in the Spring of 2013.

Reading about the shootings today, I again came across a short film about female foeticide.
http://www.sikhnet.com/filmfestival/2006/beti/

As an adoptive mother of a fantastic daughter, who was abandoned in the state of Punjab - my ancestral home - it breaks my heart any time I see or think about the cultural predispositions for many Indians, and even higher proportions of Punjabis to devalue girls and consider them a burden. Sadly, even as a privileged London-born Punjabi, I have seen this very same bias against me and other girls even in my own "modern" family. Simply dues to us being girls. To speak out against it is to bring more trouble. I have seen that first hand and it is unfair. It is not right. But it is real. It is the reality of the economic structure within which Indians live, that they see girls as a bad investment with no returns. They feel that the girl has to be housed and fed, possibly educated, and then a huge dowry has to be accumulated in order for someone to begrudgingly take her off your hands in marriage. Boys stay in the family and bring a dowry-rich bride in to the mix. People who abort and kill girls are not to be judged. No one living a privilege Western or Indian life can truly understand the difficulties they face. After living in India for over a year to adopt Sofi, I saw and heard many things that opened my eyes to what I already suspected. Life is hard. Life as a poor person in India is extremely hard. The life of women is the hardest, and can even be considered an atrocity for all too many. It is not all saints and yogis as many westerners think. It is not all 5 star hotels, clubs and restaurants, and designer clothes-shopping and big elaborate weddings which is what most NRIs (non resident Indians) experience on their vacations to India. It is not for Oprah to look down on us patronizingly and incredulous that we eat with our hands.

Being Punjabi can sometime seem to be at odds with being Sikh. Girls are meant to be equal. Culture often means they are not. I see this more within the uneducated classes. But even very rich educated Indians can have lingering prejudices. The families where they overcome these backward stereotypes are wonderful. We need more families like that. And as more and more Indians are openly adopting abandoned or neglected children, there is hope that the ripple effects will be pervasive and positive. One girl at a time. There can be change. I cannot do much. But adopting Sofi, and now looking for Tara, is the minute contribution I can make. The gift Sofi has already given to me is considerably greater than my wish to make the world a better place for everyone, but especially for Indian girls.

agencies to get Tara

The process for adoption is really hard. I have had lots and lots of friends of friends be in touch with me thinking there is a shortcut. There is not one. The rules are getting harder. And things will probably take just as long or longer than before. And as non resident Indians or foreigners, it is getting more likely that you will need to be happy to adopt an older child and possibly one with special needs. We leave it to God to send us Tara in whatever form is appropriate.

For the Home Study agency, there are only 2 choices in Nevada. A Home Study is an approval that you are fit to adopt. It is a license, not a privilege to adopt. Often people think it's easy or a breeze, but it is the hardest way to become a parent. We are using Premier Adoption agency. I have started the process by writing a big fat check. And filling out forms. Step 1 is getting fingerprints and child abuse clearances from every place that you have lived since the age of 18. The older you get, the harder it is to remember every single address. Let's hope I have recollected enough for the checks to come out clear again. You would think it would be easier 2d time around. But I cannot find the forms I filled out last time in 2009 so it's like starting over on gathering the data.

For our placement agency (the one that works to match you with a child and deal with the process in India and getting your child home), I am using Journeys of the Heart. They appear to be the agency with the most historic and current experience with India. Many agencies have recently shut down their India programme. My previous agency, MAPS, no longer works with India. The system is different now. Before, your agency or you could find a child and then seek Indian central goverment (CARA) approval. Now, fears of corruption have led CARA to try to assign children available to parents applying. There have been many delays in India. Many times, India has just shut down their new applications. Supposedly, to overhaul the system. Then to clear the backlog. And now, they are accepting only 100 new appications, on the 1st of the month. Apparently, within minutes they fill up, and if your agency did not manage to get you registered, you are out of luck and have to wait another month. I have heard that many orphanages are reporting less available children. Why? Where are they going? I hate to think about what is happening in such cases. I will have the choice to state a preference for an orphanage. It is hard to say what I will do as there are so few children on the lists. But I am optimistic that I will again be matched with a Punjabi child so that I can maintain our cultural experiences.

Next, I have to work on the remainder of the Home Study application packet. Lots of medical, financial, and other information, as well as references from people who can vouch for me. I am hoping it will be done by the end of August or early September.

Then I will be needing to have at least 4 meetings with the social worker. One at home so they can see how we live. The rest to provide a deep and thorough insight into me, Sofi's life and the life we offer to Tara.

It's overwhelming how much is required to be done. Just have to plod on and get it done. Then wait. Wait. Wait. And pray for our file to be registered with CARA quickly. Then wait. And wait some more. There is no way to be sure how long it will take to find Tara. She must be at least 10 months younger than Sofi. So she would have to be born on June 1, 2010 or later. She is quite possibly already 2 years old. Somewhere. Now knowing what is ahead of her. We can only pray that she is in a place that is kind and warm-hearted so she knows love.

passport & SSN

I have been soo sick of the process involved in adoption, that once we got back to the US, I could not bear the thought of anything further until absolutely necessary.

When we needed to make a trip to London, it was finally time to get a passport. Having experienced many hurdles in India for even the smallest thing, I was dreading it. However, I have to say that if you get an emergency application to file for a passport (you must have proof you are travelling within 14 days) and go to San Francisco, it can be a pleasant surprise. We had a 1 p.m. appointment in March so that we would have time to arrive all the way from Tahoe which is just more than 200 miles. As usual, I was prepared with anything and everything they might want. They were really nice and very helpful. Amazingly, we had the passport in our hand by around 4 p.m. Delighted.

Yesterday, another good day. I suddenly realized that in order to claim Sofi as a dependent on my tax returns, she had to have a SSN. There had seemed to be no need for one before that. Given that we live up in the mountains, and there are no federal agencies up here, it's a 35 minute drive down the mountain to Reno. I got lucky. I had all the papers I could think they might need, always trying to avoid delays and obstacles. The lady just a couple numbers before me, had had to wait 1 & 1/2 hours, but I was done in just half an hour. The friendly gentleman behind the counter likes accents. And was eager to make sure everything was just right and gave us the extra attention we needed. We are told it will be issued in just 5-7 business days.

People living in the US don't always realize just how lucky they are that the process works alot of the time. It doesn't even pretend to work in alot of other places.

Other adoption blogs...

At a time like this, it can be very hard to think about how long the process to adopt can take. In search of others, I have found some blogs where other families are documenting their process. The rules are changing so much, so it's helpful to see the other families' experiences of process and delays. Some encouraging. Some a little scary. There is so much uncertainty in the India side of things. Delays tend to be really long for even the simplest matters. I start remembering the previous experience with Sofi. It was frustrating and sad to see the snail-like progress. This time, I should be more prepared. But it's hard to be prepared for the fact that you know your new daughter is out there, and you just want to be with her immediately. Sofi is excited. She is saying that she will share all her toys with Tara and they will play together all the time. She understands that she is going to get a little sister from India. And so far, she is looking forward to it. Being an only child can be hard. And she sees some of her friends have siblings. So I think she is looking forward to having someone at home. And given that she is quite bossy, probably really excited that she will have to tell Tara how things work. A little mama already.