Train journeys and recollections

One of the nicest things in my experience of travelling around  India, is going on the train. I remember a last minute 1998 trip from Amritsar (where I had  gone to see the Sikh's holiest Golden Temple) to Delhi, where I just assumed I could hop on the first class carriage after standing in the "Ladies Only" line. It was around 5 a.m. that crisp Spring morning when I made my way to the train station, after having spent the night in the Temple's  open air veranda known as the Ladies Quarters, and having had a marriage proposal by a self-appointed tour guide who had led me around the Temple grounds (having clued into my NRI and foreign citizen status). My new Lonely Planet  guidebook had neglected to mention that single women were not allowed to rent a room! But it was a nice experience even if I did not get much sleep for fear I would oversleep the next morning – they did not do wake-up calls on the veranda.   

I was surprised to find that they were one carriage short in first class, so I had to take the 3d class carriage as 2d class was sold out too.  Even though the train was several hours delayed along the way, it was my first solo real Indian experience. Had I travelled in my protected AC first class carriage as planned, I would have missed out on the up-close and personal aspects of the trip with my fellow Punjabis. Garish coloured Indian suits and packed lunches and tiffins surrounded me as I sat with my stomach growling, clearly looking like someone who would normally travel in 1^st class and an obvious NRI despite my Indian clothes. But it was an experience that made me feel more like a real Indian because it really was just my clothes and luck of being born abroad to a comfortable family that separated me from them. Scrunched up close to one another, we all just jostled along, for the all day journey. It was only once I reached back to Delhi and heard all the worry in my Mum's demeanour  that I realized it could have been a horrid ordeal, but it hadn't been at all.

Today, as I am travelling today on the Shatabdi from Jalandhar to Punjab, I am reminded of my favourite Amritsar trip as this train originated in Amritsar before coming to us.  Even the regular AC class is wonderful.  A little more cramped and a different crowd from the privileged Executive Class folk, but perfectly fine for anyone. As soon as you board, you are provided with your litre of "Rail Neer" labelled water and paper cup and Jumpin mango juice. And minutes after we leave the station the snack tray is given, full of your tea kit, toffees, fresh ghee sweet barrfi, hot vegetable samosa and salty namkeen packet. The first time I took this express train I did not expect any more food!  Now I know not to devour it all, as this really just is the appetizer. Dinner is a tray full of goodies... rice, cholay, shahi paneer, dahi, salad, pickle and paratha. Quite a veritable feast. Followed by vanilla ice-cream. After that everyone is pretty much dozing off as it is 9:30 p.m. and we have probably all eaten too much to be awake for long.

My other favourite train journey was in 2003, when we went from Delhi to Hazur Sahib, a pilgrimage to fulfil my 86 year-old maternal grandmother's wish to visit there before she died.  All the family members thought she was too old, but I thought, "why not?!" So Bibi, Mum, Aunty Kirpal and myself bought the train tickets and off we went.  The 26 hour train ride expanded to about a 35 hour journey but still it was fun. So many interesting people on the train, all the basic comforts, and all the food-sellers coming thru all the time. One thing about being on a train in India is you never go hungry. It's non-stop food offerings all the journey: "coo-cumbar, coo-cumbar" (peeled, sliced lengthways, peppered and juicy), "noodles, Maggi noodles," "chai, chai, garam garam chai," "cutlet, cutlet," "tikki, aloo tikki," "omelette, omelette," "paratha, paratha" and many more mouth-watering, digestive-effecting selections. It's impossible to resist them all.

The Delhi-Chandigarh Shatabdi is equally comfortable but the journey is only about 3 hours. It's used by many as a commuter train since it's so convenient. It makes getting from the capitol Delhi to my mum's hometown of Chandigarh a breeze and an absolute pleasure. It's not a place visited so often by tourists eager to sample India's highlights, but for me it's always home as that's where we went with Mum growing up. I remember visiting when her Dad was ill, in around 1973, and I would have been about 5.  My brother Mitch and I were probably a nuisance, he would have been about 7, so we were put into Guru Nanak Public School – Mum knew Principal Sarai luckily .  He still runs a school in Chandigarh. I remember going to school on the bus, and using a razor to sharpen my pencils.I associate one of my favourite fruits, chickoo, with that trip so I imagine we ate lots of them.  I also remember the teachers were very strict. Once, after Aunty Bholly's wedding, I was in trouble for having nail polish on as it was not allowed. I remember going to the Rock Garden and Rose Garden and a general sense of a beautiful city with lots of parks. It was later I realized it had been designed by the world-famous Le Corbusier.  He designed this City with a master plan that is still being followed today with the different Phases of development and green belts being maintained. It is not like other Indian cities in layout or feel. If ever I was to live in India, it would probably be here in Chandigarh.
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Jalandhar medical care

For some reason, there appear to be a huge number of hospitals and Drs here in Jalandhar which is convenient. When I first met Sofi, she was small for her age and in the bottom 10th percentile at 5-6 kgs when 11 months old. Because there are so many unknown and varied reasons for kids arriving here, their medical conditions are unknown, but it is common for them to have some type of illness.  When I arrived, another baby, Vinakshi, who was just a few months old, had recently arrived with a severe and chronic chest infection. Sofi caught it. It was about 2 months of constant Dr visits and medications, antibiotics, supplements, and injections before Sofi was rid of this. It was a real worry for me. Soon after that, she caught a viral eye infection. When Sofi was found, her left eye was swollen shut and she again had problems in that eye. Again, thanks to the good Drs here, she was on 4 different types of eye drops for about 6 weeks and this too cleared up. But then it seemed she had conjunctivitis, and instead we realized she has a blocked tear duct in her right eye and so today, she had a little saline solution surgical flush procedure to puncture it as it should be, and hopefully she will now be fine. In the mean time, she is no longer in the bottom 10%. Sofi is now a healthy 9.5 kgs. She also has been going through the pains of teething and has gone from having 6 teeth when I met her to a set of 12 sharp teeth. She likes to feed herself so mealtimes are pretty much still a big mess.
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Sofi and Bani May 2010

Princess Sofi's favourite throne

Nari Niketan and its kids...

I know you all must be curious about the ashram and wondering who all lives there and what it is like. I have been visiting almost daily for 4 & 1/2 months now so I feel pretty comfortable there. There are in the region of 25-30 kids ranging from a few days to teenagers, a handful in their 20's, and some older ladies. There are 2 little boys otherwise it's all feminine estrogen environment. Nari Niketan is located in the city of Jalandhar in the state of Punjab, India. It was opened in 1955 and I understand it was started to help the dislocated widows and children of Partition. Being close to the border of Pakistan, I understand there used to be alot of residents and many people have been helped over the 55 years it has been open. The international adoption license was finally obtained in March 2009, so it is only recently that the children being adopted are going abroad. There have been many children adopted within India over the years. Nari Niketan is a good ashram where the children have 3 meals and 1 snack each day, they are well dressed, and the environment of the ashram is maintained to a good standard. I know all the kids and feel like they are all now an extended part of my family. 4-5 are going to France, some to the UK, maybe some to US and Canada, and some will stay in India. The success of the administration means that almost all the kids are in the process of being adopted. A few cannot be adopted for technical reasons. I have decided to formally sponsor one of these kids to ensure she has a decent chance at a good future.
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A typical Sofi day

Sofi usually wakes up around 2 in the morning, thirsty and hungry. She will drink water and milk and then nod off back to sleep. It's around 7 in the morning that she is up for more milk, breakfast and playtime. She is pretty content to play in the baby's room, often just sitting in her crib singing or babbling away in her own language.  By 9 or 10 she is usually ready for a morning nap lasting an hour or two.  Then around noon it's lunchtime. Every day at the ashram they eat rice, daal and yoghurt, so that's what Sofi has. If I am there, I will usually take her down to the dining hall so she can play with the other children - who have come back from the school which is just next door.  After lunch we play. We wander around the ashram, playing with the little children who don't go back to school after lunch.  By 2 all the kids are done with school, so there are lots of people for Sofi to play with. Initially she was not so eager to play with all the kids, and she preferred the little kids. But over time, she has become attached pretty much to them all. She loves to be investigating all over and now that she is walking, she wanders off exploring everything. Her favourite phrase is to answer the question "Billi kee kahandi?" (What does a cat say?) and she answers "mow" and dog says "bow bow". It has become even more fun as there is a little cat who has recently had kittens and they come and wander around looking for food, and Sofi gets super excited whenever they come around. If she is being fussy, the option of going to see the cat almost always gets her into a good mood. Around 4, it is teatime and we head down to the dining room again to see what treats are there. Sometimes it is fruit, or biscuits, or cake, or ice cream. With tea which she loves. And anywhere in the afternoon she might fall asleep for a nap. Otherwise it's plat time. Around 5 it's time for milk and then more playing if not a nap. And dinner is at 8ish. Thankfully, Sofi and the children play alot so time passes. These days the kids are having tests and exams so they are supposed to be busy preparing. Sundays there is no school so we all play all day!
Some days some people might come to visit, to donate food, or other things, to see how the ashram works, or perhaps to attend a court hearing or prepare for their own child's adoption case. The week passes quickly and before you know it, days turn to weeks and now I have been here almost 6 months!

So how does intercountry adoption actually work?

I have been getting lots of congratulations, but it seems premature as I feel as if I am only moving one step along in what often seems like an insurmountable process of obstacles and hindrances to becoming a mother. It's just alot easier to visualize with Sofi's sweet face to look at.

Biological parents do not need anyone's permission or a license to parent. For those of us choosing to be parents by adoption, it is not an accident or an unconscious event. It takes years to come to the realization that your wish to adopt has culminated in you finally being ready to take the first formal step. For me, this was about 20 years in the making as I knew I wanted to adopt a child from India even as a teenager and it has always been something in the back of my mind, I suppose I was waiting until I thought I was ready. I got ready. Then...

you find out all the local authorities in the UK are "not recruiting" for parents! Like this was a sales call?! Apparently there are hardly any Indian origin children available for adoption in the UK. And the UK is strongly against inter-racial adoption. It seems ythey don't want any Indian origin parents, so thanks but no thanks; this, despite lots of children waiting to be adopted and in foster care. Mostly your calls are not even returned. If they do consider, you are interrogated in a most invasive personal way only to be told there are no suitable kids in their system. There are hardly any private adoption agencies and they take a really long time to complete the gruelling process of approving you, or not, to become an adoptive parents. There are only about 300 international adoptions done into the UK each year.

The US couldn't be more different. Race is not irrelevant, but it's not a complete barrier. I thank God for dual-citizenship! There are in the region of 10,000 international adoptions into the US now, since it is dropping rapidly each year (was about 20,000 year not too long ago). I think it's dropped to only 297of those from India in 2009.

Amazingly, despite India having a population of over a billion, in there were just over 800 kids sent out of the country via adoption. 2-3 years ago it was over 1300. The rules are getting tighter and tighter and less and less Indian orphans will have a chance to be adopted. We NRIs are 2d choice and only are allowed to adopt if "real" Indians say no to these wonderful kids.

The process starts with a social worker and lots of paperwork, studying and classes on adoptive parenting, and you are rewarded with the crucial Home Study that is the official approval that you are fit to be a parent and you can proceed to adopt from overseas. I wanted a girl, one or two, so that's what I was approved for. Then you have the luck of going to USCIS (former INS or immigration) to ask for visa clearance. Actually this was surprisingly a really supportive and helpful agency as they have a special department of homeland security for adoption and they truly seem so eager to help. And then you have to sign on with an agency in the US who is licensed by India for intercountry adoption out of India. CARA is the Central Adoption Resource Agency and they license all the foreign agencies, as well as being the all important people who will give me the official Indian green light, the NOC (no objection clearance).

The most awesome part is when you then learn there is a child who might be suitable for you. And that is when Trishna and I became a team in this process. She is my motivation. I call her Sofi. Or probably it will be Sofi Trishna when she is naughty as I think most mothers resort to long full names for maternal dramatic effect. Officially the paperwork at this stage is that the ashram/orphanage presents us with a CSR (child study report) and medical for the PAP (prospective adoptive parents(s)) to approve. I said absolutely yes please! And now it is for the ashram to take that massive stack of my papers, and their own papers, and send them to CARA for NOC. That's my next stage. Waiting for NOC and praying every day it goes through.

When the all important NOC is in, that's when they/I file as petitioner to adopt Sofi. Sadly for us, Jalandar Punjab is notoriously one of the slowest court systems as they do not do many intercountry adoptions to each case, aprropriately is given strict scrutiny, but it isn't done very quickly. Despite Indian Supreme Court precedent that all adoption cases are supposed to be given high priority, many jurisdictions do not adhere to this timeline. Punjab is one of those not observing the requirement. But we live in hope. And we can but pray. Or overprepare the case just to help.

All of your prayers are needed as this is really the hardest thing I ever did.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far!

I hope one day to produce or back a documentary to highlight the plight of India's neglected children who are not being made available for adoption. Many of them are actually domestic servants or child beggars or have at least one family member, so they might not technically be eligible or open to being adopted. Sometimes, there are ways these kids can be sponsored so they can go to school instead of working.

Princess Sofi in her throne... sideways

Sofi in motion

As days fly by....

I can't account for the past 4 months except to say they have been a blur. Sofi is growing healthy and strong and is walking now. She wanders off confidently all over the ashram as far as she can, investigating everything. Paperwork drags on without much progress it seems. Sofi is now like a mascot passed from kid to kid around the ashram as she becomes capable of more and more sounds and entertainment for the others. Sunrises, sunsets, sunrises and I can't keep track of where all the time goes every day.

Sofi's 1st birthday parties

Sofi turned 1 on June 1, 2010. In the afternoon we had samosa, paneer pakoras and cake to celebrate. Sofi loves spicy food and enjoyed all 3.  With 6 teeth, it's mainly soft food. and in the evening party, we all got dressed up, danced and partied and had alot of fun. Sofi was a good sport and took a nap conveniently between the 2 parties so she was able to enjoy them both.

Introducing Sofi Trishna Kaur... daughter of my heart

I meant to write all about the process of coming here to India in March and registering with orpahanges in Delhi and Chandigarh in detail... but before I could get down to it, the long-awaited day I have been dreaming of has already arrived! With God's grace, I have now met and am now bonding with my soon to be daughter who was given the name Trishna in the orphanage by the staff.  I met her briefly on the morning of Saturday April 24th and hoped I would be able to adopt her. That morning I had been to pray at the Golden Temple (holiest of Sikh gurdwaras) in Amritsar to ask for a speedy resolution to my adoption of a little girl.  Literally a few hours later I met Trsihna.  Trishna means a state of contentment of the mind when you obtain real peace.

I am naming her Sofi (sophia or sophos in Greek is wise or wisdom).

Sofi is a beautiful, active, cheerful and funny little girl. She loves hugs and cuddles. She espectially laughs alot when we tickle her tummy or her neck. But she smiles alot anyway. She is starting to make alot of sounds and babbles and sings quite a bit when she is feeling chatty. She likes to grab my chain and use me as a climbing wall because she is just starting to stand with support and can't stand on her own. She is pretty content. She can scream and cry when she needs to get our attention. She already has won over everyone's heart who she meets. She is believed to have been everyone's favourite at the ashram where she was living. All the staff and the other kids love her alot. The staff keep saying how good her kismet must be because she will be going overseas after such a diffcult start in life.

We believe her birth date is June 1 2009. She appears to be meeting all her developmental milestones and seems healthy and fine. She was found by the police and brought to the ashram having been abandoned. We can only guess that her family must be experiencing some tremendous difficulty to give up such a wonderful little girl and we wish them better days to come. She has 6 teeth. They are strong and very sharp.

On my first day visiting with her, May 1 2010, at the Nari Niketan ashram here in Jalandhar, Punjab, I fed her lunch of rice and yoghurt which she enjoyed. She doesn't seem to be able to drink from a milk bottle and likes to drink from a bowl, glass or cup. It's pretty hot these days so she needs to drink a lot of water too. Sippie cup is still a little messy so far.  She has bonded with me immediately from the first day and we all believe there is a past life connection between us. I cannot imagine having been given any other little girl to be my daughter.

Once I took her to my uncle's house, I gave her milk which she loves as much as any other baby. She was too excited to take her after lunch nap at the orphanage, so I put her down for a nice nap around 5 and she slept a good 2 hours.  For dinner, I had kichari (boiled rice and mung daal) prepared for her with yoghurt that she also ate happily.  She is a good eater and doesn't spill too much on her new little bibs. She is enjoying all the one on one attention and love and affection as one can imagine.  We took her out for a nice liitle evening walk to the nearby shops and she got all kinds of diapers, and lotions and potions, as well as some ready to eat food from jars.  After shopping she enjoyed some custard with banana.  After a big day, she went to sleep at 10:30 p.m. I can't say I slept much watching over my little munchkin all nite to make sure she is fine. She seems perfectly happy and content. Trishna by name and Trishna by nature.

The process of starting the legal adoption is likely to take quite some time yet as the State of Punjab courts are notoriously slower than everywhere else. We just pray the outcome is as we want.

Dossier is complete

After working on paperwork, more paperwork, and yet more paperwork... I am done with my Home Study and have submitted my completed dossier to MAPS Worldwide - my placement agency - who will then send off my dossier to CARA in India and I will await a referral of a child.  The expected wait time for a referral is 12-18 months, so it is quite possible that I will not be referred a child until January 2011 or maybe even Summer 2011.  Optimistically, it could be in 2010 which would be fantastic.